Rehab

I've learned that there's a horrible disconnect in what God has equipped us for and how we have decided to use those very gifts.

These two + months away have affected me more then I thought they had. When I went home for thanksgiving break I was bombarded by all the thoughts in my head. They had finally been given a backdrop to stand out against. It was hard.

Now I sit with a new perspective of what I wish for my life lived with/in Christ. I've had good conversations here. I've found myself having honest conversations with people much more frequently then in Az. Yes, perhaps it's me being more vulnerable, me having less to run off to. More time to just sit and talk to the newest customer at the Ruby Tuesday bar about God and the life we claim to lead in His name. But it's also a different vulnerability, openness that the "culture" here shares. It's relaxed and it's real to me. I showed up not knowing more than my 3 family members, and feel as if I could stay and do just fine.

That's the glory of the Lord. He is comfort. He has been my comfort. Whatever I'm going through, no matter where I am, if I'm learning more about Him, if I'm learning what He's trying to show me about myself, then its' worth it.

I want to come home to sincerity. I don't want to settle back into what life felt like before. I want to be challenged to execute the desires that have been revealed here. I've gained and I've lost. I've been disappointed in ways I didn't expect, by people I didn't expect, and more than I expected. But I type that sentence then confidently say, "That's okay." Life isn't about the disappointments, if it was then I would be consumed by them, and consumed by how to respond to them. I find that exhausting.

I've learned that I want to love those that no one else wants to love, but that sounds easy to me. On one hand, that's why I realized that God has given me the ability to do so, and I will, I will. But with that comes the humbling thought that if I can love the least, the dirty, the hurt, then why can't I love the ones right next to me? It's hard for me to love those who think that they are easy to love. Ha. Sorry that realization just made me chuckle cause its true. That's when it's hardest for me to love and sacrifice.

Above all I want to love with extremity. The love that Jesus shows(ed) is extreme and irrational. Why do we take that and let it just sit? Why doesn't it make us want to change the world the way He's changed our lives? Or at least freakin change(love) our neighborhood, heck, our street,......our home....our friends, the man sitting alone in a restaurant?

I could go on forever, but for the sake of actually wanting people to be able to read this without wanting to punch themselves in the face to stay awake, I'll end here.

Who's the hardest for you to love? Is it yourself? God? The man that doesn't speak the same language as you and makes you feel uncomfortable? Your family? The dirty guy on mill that has thrown his life away to drugs (or that's what you assume anyways)? Your best friend who doesn't initiate the text conversation enough?

Nothing makes me feel the way Christs' love makes me feel, whether its me giving it or getting it, it all feels the same...what a blessing.

What a God.

takethislife

Okay, so it got tough.

Last night was probably the hardest night since I've arrived here. I can't even tell you why. But I'll try.

I have my two worlds, my life here is expanding, I'm gaining new friendships which are growing and the opportunities to get to know people keep getting stronger and stronger. While on the other side, my Az life felt like it was diminishing. It's hard to keep in contact with legitimate conversation when I have have 2 children desperately seeking my attention every moment I'm with them, and when I'm not with them I'm at Ruby Tuesday's. When I'm not in either of those two situations I want to just sit still with music, reading, or I have work I need to get done. So it leaves me feeling like I'm constantly achieving nothing with those I love most.

Friendships here are getting good. Which is nice, but uneasy. Uneasy because it feels pointless to establish them, leaves me unsure of what the goal is. This fact pushes me away from strengthening them. But unfortunately I'm a social person so they are growing anyways. In the growth of new friendships I experience the world. And I experience the earths' raw view of me, sometimes not attractive. My bubble...I really need these moments of getting out of my comfort bubble even thought they're painful at times.

Home is moving without me. I find myself being anxious about my visit in a week. I'm not sure how I'll feel when I'm home, how sensitive my emotions will be towards my friends. I'm afraid of being selfish, afraid that I will feel a sense of entitlement of time and people. The fact that friendships have been forming and deteriorating for 2 months without me seeing may leave me off guard and surprised. Along with all that after a week I will be returning for 2 more months, and I have no idea how I'll feel when I walk back away from everyone and onto the plane.

Please don't misunderstand, this is what God does, this is what life does, it teaches, and I'm learning. I'm good, I truly am. But I feel to get what I'm supposed to out of this experience in my life I have to acknowledge the trials to figure out the victories.

Let me end with this, God is powerful. I love that in my moments of desperation I literally find myself on the ground in the darkness because at that moment I need to hear His peace. And I always do, it's ridiculous, but I always do. Prayers are being answered and I'm continually feeling convicted by His spirit to lead me into different thoughts, conversations, and decisions. I'm so grateful to have a God that knows what I need when I don't.

1 week...... :-D

Psalm 119:16

I've been here for 7 weeks and when I return from my visit home I will have 5 more left.

In a lot of ways I've been disappointed, but only in myself. I convinced myself that if I grew spiritually in great ways than it would all be worth it. But it would be hard to say that I have. I've grown spiritually in the same ways that I would have grown at home. The worldly experiences have shown me a lot about my spiritual life, so in some ways I have grown much differently because of being here.

I have been timid. I have sat in between a spot of wanting to make sure this feels LIKE home, but not allowing it to be my home. Its been a weird in between. I have shy'ed from friendships and relationships here for fear that they would not be adequate and make me miss the friendships at home. And I have also shy'ed from friendships of home for fear of not gaining from this experience of tranquility what I should be.

I've spent so much time trying to manipulate the time that I haven't allowed the time to manipulate me....I'm so afraid of getting homesick that I've controlled almost every environment I could. (which isn't many)

I did something social today...crazy huh? I went to church and lunch with a friend I met here and the conversation brought up some points that made me think. We talked about the dynamics of relationships and how we live in an age that is afraid to pick up the phone instead of sending a text. When we pick up the phone we put ourselves in a position to have awkward moments, irrational words, and unprepared answers. With a text message, facebook chat, and e-mail we get to plan it all out. We get to make sure our words are going out exactly how we want them to, and in a way that best beneifits us, no awkward moments, no tough and honest responses. (if we don't want to)

We also talked about the moment. Being in the moment of life but allowing ourselves to look back into the experiences we've had, some we would not like to look back into. He's a songwriter and does exactly that, looks back into the bad. This has been something I've struggled with. I don't want to be back in those moments/in those emotions. I want to hold on to the lessons but lose the emotion. Life is fast, and sometimes the snapshots may be the things that make it all worth it.

For the amount of love I have for Christ the amount of time I spend reading the greatest book He's given us is pitiful. Honestly utterly embarrassing. I would admit to very few people the statistics of my faith, because in my eyes it doesn't reflect my desires. It doesn't reflect how much I'm learning for walking behind Him as a follower. Also spurred from our lunch conversation is how much information is thrown at us. I have every answer I'd ever want available to me. I am constantly being taught by the internet, podcasts, church services, His Spirit and personal conversations with friends. This is a downfall in my heart that allows me to think that I'm learning what and how much I should be.

But I always have one little book sitting right next to me which is the last thing in that list from above that I turn to. That book is always within reach, I make sure of it. But it's pointless to have something within reach if you never reach for it...

Off to the Ruby Tuesday..I just had to kick Isaac out of my room so I could write this...Now I feel like a bad Tante' for ignoring him for 10 minutes. (Welcome to my life)


Psalm 119:16

Red, Right, and Blue

I'm so frustrated that I've written probably about 6 paragraphs and erased them all. This is what it comes down to; Are we loving with a love of Christ?

I can't see Christs' love anywhere. Not even in myself. I'm angry. I love a Christ that has been ruined by the mouths of His people. I love a Christ that people find so unlovable because of the hypocrites who worship Him. Those that I hope for the most may never admit to a emptiness they feel because our righteous Body has sat here waiting to tell them how wrong they are. We're all wrong. We're so very wrong. Shoot, we even have believers that will boast on their failures just to be able to rationalize and exploit this Grace that we're given. Not only boast in it, but LIVE in it., swim in it, worship in it. We're not to be Children who look for our faults so that that we can find acceptance in them. We're to be children who love their savior so deeply that it physically pains us to take one step away from our God.

But we're not. We're Christians who find a soap box to stand on as we look down at all those below us, because of course, everyone's below us...We find time for our latte dates and group events, but not for truly loving someone that we don't want to love, yet needs it. You think Christ wants to truly love us all the time? He does, it is His will, but does he WANT to? I wouldn't.

I am righteous, ignorant, boastful, judgmental, and proud. And the funny thing is I think I deserve this life I've been given. The funny thing is I don't know what it would look like to truly live a life in His will. I'm sick of Red and Blue. Both sides exist for merely remaining on their side so that they're far enough to throw something across in hopes of injuring the opposition, whether it in words, actions, or silence.

I am grateful for our new president. I am grateful that I trust that He is a man of faith who attempts to understand why we urn to stay divided. But I hate what this election has brought out in people, including myself. Who are we and why did he decide to send....us? Doesn't He know how bad we mess things up?

The ultimate teacher.

At points some may seem to think that I'm unhappy, or at least unsettled about my current situation. I mean, think about it, I allow myself to get ripped out of comfort and everything that makes me, me. I have little to no social interaction with anyone my own age. No social interaction with anyone that loves Jesus the way I do, and only moments when I'm alone and not constantly being demanded for attention or help. Usually in those moments I shower, do laundry, clean the house, watch a podcast (that I normally fall asleep to) or sleep. If I'm lucky I get in a phone conversation with someone that I most likely adore.

But it's funny how you seem to follow yourself everywhere you go. I knew I could enter into this experience and gain from it because of the silly little idea that Jesus also follows you wherever you go. That was the #1 strongest argument for me knowing that I would be okay outside of everything that brings me joy in life. People, ministry, family. (not in any specific order)

While being here I have gotten lonely, but felt reassured. I have been frustrated, but then relieved of all reasoning to feel frustrated. I have not second guessed once. I have learned that I am far less patient then I thought I was. I love the absolutely pure moments that surrounding yourself with "innocent" children can bring. These children at times are not so...innocent...and thats where I've learned that my patience doesn't run quite as long as I'd like.

I've learned that life is far less enjoyable when you're in a rush to get somewhere, or get something done. When afraid of being behind schedule you're forced to demand immediate responses from people and lose your sight for seeing incredible things that may happen. When you get sick of running on someone else's agenda, you begin to run on yours. And you cut yourself off from seeing what amazing gifts they have to show you.

I have felt the value of friendships, and the gift of love that I feel from and for my friends. Christ has allowed me to have a heart that is almost always thinking of my friends, wondering how they're doing, and praying that I have the right words to say if they're not. And if they are okay, finding the right words to say for them to know their worth to me. The actual execution of this hasn't happened every time its needed to because, I run on my own agenda. But it never ceases to amaze me how Christ continues to love me, which allows me to continue to love others. (even if its in my own heart most of the time, and not yet in their eyes) I suck for that.

I have learned that I want to learn. I want to learn about politicians and what people think will make this world, "a better place" if you will. I find myself thinking of new ways to pray and new ways to carryout the possibilities that Christ gives me as His follower.

I've learned that I have a lot to learn.

Question marks and exclamations.

So possibly here comes the point that I'm tested. The point that I figure out what I'm supposed to be gaining from experiences, old and new.

"A Christian worker has to learn how to be God’s man or woman of great worth and excellence in the midst of a multitude of meager and worthless things." From today's' entry of Utmost by Oswald Chambers. The writing ends with a simple sentence. "Let Him have His way"

What does that mean in my life? What do with the failures that I've created with not letting Him have His way? More importantly what do I do with the successes that have been created out of my awesome Savior because I didn't let Him have His way? Where does the line get drawn? I wonder if at one point the past is done with, or should I be allowing it to be teaching, growing, and shaping me. Do I remember hard lessons because I should still be learning from them, or do I close the door once I feel God has shown me what I need to see. But does he every stop showing you things? Is it my human nature to keep experiences and wounds open so that I can validate pain by continuously learning from it? Christ has granted me healing, perspective, and growth that is only of Him in my life, with many many different battles. I feel like He wants the door closed on those experiences. But will I still see what He needs me to while blocking my heart? What is His way in all of this?

When do we learn enough? How do we decide whether or not we're done learning? Are we ever? I'm sick of all the question marks in this blog. Here's where I'm at. I'll know He's done what he's needed to when I see His wisdom in me. At times I see it, for sure, then I slip, and it makes me question if I truly gained what I was supposed to from following Him. I'm not gonna close something, think that I have it under control then be blinded in the same ways. That's a disservice to him and what He's willing to provide me.

This entry doesn't have a closing paragraph yet....

Bigger and better

So I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how big God is. And how we cannot even comprehend the real answer to that statement. In my reading it speaks about God’s plans for us, a topic that I’ve been especially fond of the last few months. “God wants us to get where he wants us to be more then we want to get where God wants us to be” Quote from the book. It took me a few times reading it to comprehend it in its entirety. I find myself so concerned with messing up Gods plan, with making the wrong choices, not hearing His spirit correctly, doing my will and not His. In all my worrying I’ve just been proving to myself that by me thinking I’m in control, I’ve been doing that exact thing I’m afraid of, my will.

If we can figure out a way to rest in His enormity and power then His will would be done in our lives. A car drove past me today and it had the Jesus fish on it. I’ve seen this a million times but if made me laugh today. Is that really Jesus? I literally pictured a mini Jesus clinging on to the back of the car. I think that can be seen as the perfect example in our life. Lets say the car is our life…(stay with me here) and we throw a little flashy appealable Jesus on it for everyone to see. We want everyone to see Jesus, out of sincere intentions. We’re proud of our faith and who Jesus is. But is that what Jesus does for us? Does he tattoo our name on His skin to say, “Hey, look, I like this person.” No, He’s too busy being engulfed and overwhelmed with loving us that anything like that would just take His time away from His true passion, us. He doesn’t care about doing things to show other people how much He loves us, He’s too busy loving us. The Jesus Fish is an ornament. But what if in my fun little world we were sitting in and driving the Jesus fish, because that was our purpose. And the car (anything worldly) were things we’d stick onto the outside of Jesus. What if Jesus was the ABSOLUTE purpose we took every single individual step. Why isn’t it like that? Why are we living a life WITH Jesus and not a life FOR Jesus.

What if we TRUSTED that Jesus was big enough for us not to decide our own lives. What if we could confidently say I will be on this planet for my time for your purpose, not my own. Not to be successful, not to be liked, and not even for creating a family of our own. What if we trusted that He’ll give us those things if He wants us to have them, and we stopped trying to get them. What if I didn’t get done with college in 4 years. (obviously) What if I cared more about sincerely taking care of one person then keeping five other people, “pleased” with me. What if His will would be done in our lives, what if we truly wanted His will to be done in our lives, and gave up anything we wanted to have that happen.

It all goes back to how big do we thing God is? The book also says that a person is defined by what they think when they think about God. If you think He’s a small metal symbol on your car then what hand are you allowing Him to have in your life? What are you doing for Him and what is He doing for you? What are you allowing yourself to see about Him? What is He allowing you to see about Him, and who YOU are? I think God still works whenever and however He wants to in our lives. But shoot, if you’re can’t see that it’s your creator sculpting your life…its like having a blindfold and earplugs in while sitting in an Oscar winning film. Or any Will Smith movie for that matter. You miss everything, Every scene, even though you’re sitting in the theater. Now I see why people feel like they don’t have a purpose when they don’t believe in Christ. He’s the one who already decided our purpose, so if we can’t see ourselves through His eyes we don’t see anything, not even ourselves.

There will be much more to follow. This feels like the most obnoxious unorganized thing I’ve ever written. Welp, there goes my blogging for you.

Peace from the East (coast)

spin it round your head like a helicopter

So it's two weeks since my last post and 3 days since I arrived in North Carolina.

I can't ask for any better of kids. They are absolutely incredible. The 1 1/2yr old, Kyata (Key-yah-ta) acts as if she's 4. Completely self entertained when I want her to be. She helped me clean the walls this morning and actually helped....She repeats basically everything you say but puts it in correct grammatical order and tense. She says, "Tante Julie," I say what, she says, "Hi" or, "I love you." Has a sense of humor and falls asleep in my arms after I sing the ABC's and the barney song. (Of which she knows half the words to herself)

The 3, almost 4 year old, Isaac is the best older brother. We went to a library story time reading, (hello mom status) and when they went to pick instruments out of the bucket he grabbed one for himself then one for Kyata and brought it over to us. Without me asking. Later we went to the park. We played tennis for about 45 minutes and he hit the majority of balls I hit to him. Athlete fo sho. Kyata walked around, played with the net, and picked up leaves and brought them to me singing the "Clean up, clean up everybody everywhere" song. After tennis we went the playground and Isaac insisted that he help Kyata on the slide because its his job to; "Protect Kyata, Teach Kyata, and Love Kyata"

So all in all that part of being here is ridiculously easy. I clean up the house, do dishes, make meals, run errands, find things to do to entertain the kids, and go to sleep embarrassingly early.

I started reading "Into a snowy pit with a lion..." or whatever its called. I only got one chapter finished before I needed to sleep but its talking about how God's a resume builder. And the sins of omission and commission. Omission being that of not taking chances and not allowing God to teach you during the risks you take. I consider this a risk. I disappointed people making this decision but I'm okay with that. I'm gonna learn, grow, and provide support for this family that only a select few on this earth could. Going from having their dad with them 24 hours a day to not at all it's gonna take a toll on them, and already is. But not having to learn the name of a new nanny or daycare is something I'm happy to offer.

I know I write too much, I'm sorry. but thats my experience so far....it's nice being on the east coast. People are friendlier and there is more color. Which you know I'm all about....

Haven't gone into Ruby's yet. This weekend I suppose...its a little intimidating... Julie, intimidated...whaaat? Kyata's awake now....time for yogurt and apple juice. :-D

Miss you guys.

oh yeah, its getting COLD already!!!

You Alone

There have been two distinctly different reactions from others when it comes to my decision of leaving for 3 (4) months....

reaction #1
"Wow, thats a great opportunity, that's such an awesome thing you're able to do!"

and reaction #2
"well okay, if its something you really think you should do....(then some sort of guilt filled conversation about being able to drop everything so quickly)

I know that reaction #2 isn't said out of anything except pure care and concern for my heart and the person I am wanting to be. But honestly #2 doesn't seem logical to me sometimes.

I find more uneasiness and danger in not knowing if I'd be able to leave my comforts for a relatively short amount of time. What is this life given to us for? Is it given to fulfill commitments and agendas? Or is it to experience this world and the people that God has created? I've always been slightly confused when it comes to this laid out world that has been put out in front of us. The 9-5's and 5 days a weeks. The do what you're supposed to do and have a few sweet experiences on your days off mentality. I do believe in being a person who is of sound mind and spirit. Take care of things demand that respect. Be a trustworthy child of God. Be dependable, honest, and a hard worker because Christ demands a follower who is worthy of those titles. But crap, can't we experience His passions while doing all that?

I'm frustrated and this is what it boils down to. Who are we looking to please? Christ or His people? I'm scared to let down people, but I'm more afraid to let down Him. He has made me passionate. Am I called to lay those God given passions aside due to the duties I have been given by the people of this world? I don't believe so.

Maybe I have a disconnect. Maybe I go for the farthest out. Maybe comfortable is uncomfortable to me. Do I believe that God works in contentment and ritual? He can. Am I wise enough to see that yet? Maybe not. Don't let me confuse myself her...I'm not going so that God will finally start working in me. I'm going because I have an opportunity. An opportunity that I've decided to accept. An opportunity that I will look back on in 5, 10, 20, 40 years and be grateful that I went.

I'll be grateful that God created a vision for my life that goes beyond this circle that seems so perfect. God's eyes open the world to me, and I want to see what He sees. This is one small way I get to, not that I NEED to, but I get to.

This is my choice. Not God telling me its what He needs me to do. But it is my desire. A desire that He will use to mold, break, and teach me.

Wholly Yours

How did we get so presumptuous to think that we have the right to talk on Christ's behalf?

How did we get so tainted to presume that we can't?

Where's our compromise in the situation of speaking from Christs' Spirit? What a heavy claim. That carries so many implications with it. So I'm scared of speaking from His Spirit, but I also know that our God loves us enough to allow us to do so.

I'm going to North Carolina in a month....Whaaat.

Yes. It's really awkward making a big decision about an hour after you realized that God works in mysterious ways and settling into the fact that I don't always know His will for my life. There are a lot of things being affected by this decision. A lot of people, a lot of guilt, joy, and hope. Mostly hope. I didn't realize the hope I have until this very moment. But I guess I'll talk about that later.

I feel absolutely 100% guilty that I'll be absent from the ministry of YLASU for the fall semester. There's nothing that follows or lessens that. I'm scared to leave the comforts of The dup, the team, my friends, what makes me...me, for 3 months. I can't say that God is telling me to pack up and leave, I can't say that God is telling me to stay. I prayerfully give up rights to my life and hope that He is bold and clever enough to take me up on that offer. This could be the wrong decision, but it could be the right decision. Only Christ knows that, and I've learned that we're not on a yes no, green light red light basis...(not right now anyways)

But I'll follow Him in every thing I do. And this will be done in His glory. This decision will be made with the purpose of allowing Him to use any and every opportunity in my life to teach me something. To show me another part of who He's made me. He's made me a girl that is absolutely in love with her family. A girl that takes one look at my cousin and smiles from the inside out. A girl that can sit on the floor with a 3 year old and have him make me laugh harder then most anyone I know. (wow, thats a peaceful feeling) So I'm gonna stop waiting for my green or red lights in life. Because every time I get one I tell God that I know my own will for my life, and I have no hesitations to say that I do not. But His spirit is in me. God speaks.

I get to go hang out across the country, meet people that will be in my life for 3 months that could either have a huge impact or none at all. I get to allow my cousin to be across the world and sleep easy at night knowing that he has a friend at home for his wife, and an adorer of his kids watching over them during the day. I get to teach Isaac how to write his name. (It will be done) And teach Kyata...uh, something cool...not sure yet. I get to live a random, exciting, ever changing life. I get to sit in silence and grow with God. I get to be disciplined because I have no excuses not to be. I get to allow kids teach me the simplicity of life. I get to allow a Young life team realize how truly amazing they are, and make room for others to step into roles that they didn't think they'd be right for, and flourish. I get to watch God show favor on His people and their work at ASU....but I get to watch from a distance. Thats kind of sweet. His blueprints are already drawn, I'm just an addition that will be remodeled when I'm gone and then drawn back in when I return.

I get to have long distance significant conversations over the phone, facebook, video chat(duh), or some other communication device with my friends and find out what God's doing in the lives. I get to be humbled that God is doing amazing things and I have absolutely nothing to do with it. I get to be across the country and rest easy in the idea that I'm missing out on a lot. I get to spend Christmas with a 3 year old and 1 and a half year old and see the excitement on their faces when they open new toys and get to help make Christmas cookies. I get to pick Isaac up from school and ask him how his day was and tell him that the pointless painting he brought home is amazing.

I don't let God play a role in my world, I get to play a role in God's world.

I think I'm up for that.....whatever that means.

Open Water

Loving Jesus is exhausting.

In the last 6 months I've found myself trying to find answers in a God that doesn't always provide them. This will mess you up....Let me tell you. After I couldn't find a comprehensible God the world kept making more and more sense to me. This will also mess you up. This didn't lead me to anywhere very exciting or dangerous, only because Jesus has a way of hanging on to me. I was brought to places where the very thought of praying left me frustrated beyond belief. I thought I had lost trust in God. Trust. This word beats me down every other day. I had felt that God had abandoned me. Well, okay, thats extreme. But I felt like I couldn't believe any of my own feelings and emotions. Of which in the past I had hoped came from His Spirit. Every emotion I have had in the last 6 months or so seemed like it was the complete opposite of what it seems God wanted for me. I'd feel one thing, put it in His hands, tell Him to take control of it, to guide me, then He'd do so, but in the opposite direction I would have expected Him to. This will mess you up.....I didn't know what He was doing, or if He was truly even doing anything. I'm still in the middle of this, and climbing out.

The only reason I'm gonna get out of this is if I can figure out what Trusting God means. It's the absolute basis of what I call my faith. Its the only tattoo I'd ever want on my body. (yeah, thats how extreme I am) Trusting God has been like the most intense roller coaster I've ever been on. At some points I would chose nothing else. It's fun, its exciting, its rewarding, I'm laughing and have the biggest smile on my face and I hope that we can skip to the front of the line and go again right away. At at other points I am peeing and pooping my pants at the same time. I'm squeezing the persons hand next to me, checking my seatbelt fifty times and screaming that I want off. Feeling the fear of the next big drop in the pit of my stomach. All along the way knowing that if someone actually listened and stopped the roller coaster mid ride and allowed me the chance to get off I'd look at them, laugh, and wonder why they actually listened to me. Didn't they know it was just said in the heat of the moment and I didn't mean a word I said?

I like this roller coaster but DAMN it's exhausting! God has confused the crap out of me. I don't understand one slight emotion that I've had. It's caused me to doubt the opportunities I have and whether or not I can trust the guidance of my own heart. I don't like that. I want to think that if I stay obedient, and prayerful then any emotion I have will come from the Spirit. That sounds good right? Yeah. Thats what I've expected from God. My thinking needs to change. I'm giving myself too much credit. I suck. I suck at listening and being still enough to truly think that His spirit is mine. I believe that it can be, and to some extents it is. But the world is loud. My stubbornness and narrow mindedness is powerful. My selfish ambition and laziness is most of the making of who I am, no matter how much I don't like it.

But I TRUST that He is more powerful then I am. I rest in that. I believe that He will overcome me. No matter how much I like or dislike it. His word has slapped me in the face more then I can explain. His word brings me so much comfort that it is horribly uncomfortable. I don't trust myself, but I'll give up everything to learn what it means to Trust Him.

Honesty is the best policy

Normally Chrisitanity makes sense to me.

These last 6 months it hasn't made as much sense to me. I write this knowing that most of the readers would be Christian so I speak more freely assuming that you will understand that I don't intend to say that I question the fact that Jesus is my Lord, son of God, and Savior. He is and will always be.

But my life just isn't making sense. Every desire I have seems to be brought down and proven wrong. Every instinct I listen to is wrong. Every time I think there is reasoning, the reasoning doesn't come true. Every advantage I think I have turns out to be a hindrance.

With all this in the last few weeks it has pushed me away from seeking comfort anymore. I feel like any of the comfort I seek will turn out to be a false comfort. As soon as things make sense I just need to wait a week or so and then that will slowly fade.

It's weird when you're in a rut but you choose to stay in it. At least you know you won't fall back in again if you never get out. Okay, thats super emo and not where I'm going to stay, but those are my words for now.

Could this be out of line?

Maybe I'm the last to notice but there's a huge disconnect in this world of ours.

Being out here with my family I see it more then ever. Well, I always see the disconnection when I'm on family vacations. And I hate to say that because I don't want to portray the fact that my family is full of heathens that are constantly running from the life worthy of one living for Christ. That's not the case at all. They're all good people, we're all "good" people. We value hard work, family, morals, and all in all you'd like to be around any of us. We're fun. We're good. We're typical American. But we're not a family that's acknowledging Christ together.

There are a few of us. One family that gets picked out because they fall into the American description of Christians. Judgmental, anti-social, demeaning, and self-righteous. So do I get put in that category by some of my family? Maybe. Am I saying that they, and I, don't fall into those categories sometimes.....(No)

This vision of the American Christian is not what I ever want to portray but when you see someone once every two years for a weekend, its hard to allow them to see me for anything other then the things they expect. But I'll do my best to let them see the Christian that cares more about Jesus then the title that I'm trying to achieve by saying I follow Him.

Why is living the way we were intended to so "out of this world?" Why is trying to live your life in unison with the one that created you the most abnormal thing you can do? Why do I feel like this is so obvious around my family? Well I know that answer, it's cause I have amazing friends. Hehe. Friends that seek Christ the way I do. Now I'm not trying to say my entire families in the wrong and I am that holy one that is doing it right. Who knows who's got this thing figured out perfectly. I just know when I have conversations with my friends I feel that Christ is the center and the motivation. When I'm with my family....life is the center and motivation.

Life's a good thing to focus on, if you know where your life is coming from and who it should go to.

The Lion and the Wolf

I love how the world tries to make Jesus seem so small,

and how Jesus makes the world seem even smaller.


:-D

Stay Awake

This is dangerous territory.

The music provokes my thoughts and my thoughts provoke emotions.
None of which I feel safe in.

I hate this me, I hate these times but yet I embrace them like an old friend.
I ask for it. I know the why's but act so surprised when I see the questions.

You get no validation. You bring us all down with you and then ask for help getting back up. Who's going to help us up? How can we help you when your hand can't even reach us anymore? Congratulations, its all about you again.

Have I gotten nowhere? My resume is quite unimpressive.
I find peace in not needing to impress you only to disappoint myself.

I sacrifice common sense to have someone with a genuine interest.
The interest that may or may not end up leaving me needing to fall back on this trust that I can't seem to wrap my head, or heart around.

I've been searching for years for the one person without an agenda.
I'll start to believe if you say it enough. But I want you to stop speaking and start asking.
The justifications keep me going, while I see the scenery all stay the same.

There's nothing thats keeping me here yet I have nowhere to go.
Your will is all I want, but your will is the one thing that I can't seem to figure out.
Do you want it to be this masked? Or am I just the costume designer?

You were ready to take, acting like you were entitled to it. You made me trust, but trust in what? You made no promises to me yet I believed every word you said. And you'll apologize, like you always do. Yet you will never see what is between me and you.
You win?

It feels like I'm running so hard towards freedom that it's trapping me.
You're not the only one that can speak with words and sentences that have no definitions.
Funny though, the way you are.
The way I allow you to be.
A reoccurance seems more predictable then change.

Change. ha.

I'd rather give the exact amount. That's comfortable.

Don't tell me to stay here because I'll find a reason to leave.
I've convinced myself that its not supposed to be, so reversing seems like its lost its beauty.

I have no answers, but I don't know what my questions are.

Don't ask me repeat these thoughts out loud cause they'll lose their validity.

Was it all wasted? Is that what it adds up to?

Change?

Whats the fee?

Oh silly me.

Ruby Minis 86 setup

These are going to be random thoughts, because it's 4 in the morning. I'm an idiot, I get this nagging desire to stay awake at night. Why? I have NO idea.

This will be nothing inspirational nor grounds for thought-provoking conversation. Just me being awake at 4am.

I love work. I love any work that has its primary task involving people. Customers, fellow employees, whatever the case may be. I just love people. I don't think there is one person that I'd be hesitant to talk to. I was having a discussion with Jared the other night about how I feel like I've been out of the "real world" for the last 8 or so months because of Student Staff. It's nice to be back in it. It's nice to be surrounded by those that aren't seeking the Lord. Ha, however weird that sounds. When we're at Young Life people know why we're there. But at Ruby Tuesday at Tempe Marketplace people need to figure that out on their own. And I will help them realize that I live, breath, eat, poop, play, sleep, love, for and because of Christ. It's kind of fun to have it be under wraps sometimes. Its invigorating to just be a girl thats pretty much happy all the time for seemingly no reason, then have them realize this girl is "super religious." It actually hasn't happened yet. My faith has come up maybe 3 times. It's crazy how non-important that is to people. For me trying to understand where others hearts, needs, and desires come from is one of the main things I think about in any friendship. But for others thats so far out of their mind there is no reason to bring it up. I pray that my co-workers see Jesus not only behind my craziness, but as the sole reasoning for it. (I'm not sure if Jesus wants to be associated with that, but He has no choice) ;-D

People at work get stressed about the simplest things, and the managers freak out and need to go home because the "restaurant business" gave them a butt whooping today. Okay, I'm of this world in some ways. Bad days suck, I get angry, pissed, tired, whatever the case may be, but that has nothing to do with who I am. That just may be how I'm acting at the moment. I can't imagine living for your job, your family, your school, your friends. All that stuff runs out or the people will die. (blantantly said) But Jesus...oh Jesus. I could live for that stinker for eternity. I'd rather focus on something that matters the longest. And He, matters forever. Not even Ruby's can beat that.

I need to go to bed. I've only written for 7 minutes and I have NO idea what I said or why I said it.

I love my friends, I love my family, I love Ruby Tuesday employees. I love my/our Jesus.

Life is good because Life isn't all that important (think about it...find the balance....)

TRUST IN LIVING. LIVE IN TRUST.

B Heath.

Looked down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight
Touched down on the cold black tile
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breath in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos
Are those people going somewhere?
Why have I never cared?


Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see


Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide whats underneath
Theres a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
To ashamed to tell his wife
He's out of work
He's buying time
Are those people going somewhere?
Why have I never cared?


Ive Been there a million times
A couple of million eyes
Just moving past me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
Well I want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way you see the people all alone


What would the world look like if we saw it with God's eyes?
What would our actions look like if we saw this world with God's eyes?
What would we think if we saw ourselves with God's eyes?

Africa.

I just had lunch with my friend that I've known longer then anyone else in this world (except my family).

And I left with this thought. "I have to go back to Africa." Like...soon.

I could not tell you the reasons I decided to go to Africa a year ago. I was sitting in asuyl and it was about the 7th time they'd been talking about the Africa trip and right then and there I decided I was going. Never really hit me before that one night. I decided that moment and never questioned it again. Best decision I've ever made...

So I went, I experienced, I learned, I got pissed off at America, and now here I am. Needing more. I don't know how much of this desire is God knowing its what I need, or how much is me. But I like to think it's a nice combination. I pray this isn't just me. But honestly I don't see how it can be. The simple act of talking about my experiences (past or future) leaves me speechless. I doubt anyone has heard me talk about Africa for more then 5 minutes at a time because I can't. For me it was something so indescribable that trying to describe it leaves me frustrated. So I just don't.

I had an opportunity presented to me to go back. Well, one that I actually want to take. The reason I was presented with this opportunity in itself is confusing and seems a little manufactured. (manufactured by the Big guy of course)

Then reality sets in. I should finish school first. I should take responsibilties that I have. But honestly, I don't want to. Haha, that sounds immature and I'm not running away from the fact that maybe it is. But I don't care. I don't feel any need to finish school before I go and experience more of my life in this stage. I'm not afraid of growing up, when I feel like I need to. I just don't feel like thats where I am right now. I cannot wait for the day I meet the man I get to marry and have little, loved, and adored munchkins, but I know once that day comes that will become my passion. And I'll throw the nursing thing in there too. That's what I look forward to most in life. But my timing for that is not right now. When I have a reason to sit still I will be the most still person you know. But for the last year or so nothing has given me this feeling. I need to go now. I need to follow my desires while I'm able to. I don't believe that I have them for no reason at all. And the things that I should be desiring right now I'm not desiring at all, besides Will of course.

I have to go to church. But I vented.....I was going to write things actually about Africa. I feel like I need to defend my wants. Like I need to explain my willingness to be irrational and just find 5k to go live on another continent for 3 months. Maybe I do, maybe I don't....that's what I'm figuring out.

God is Love.
Rev Run.

Blogging just to blog

So I keep being bothered to blog.

So here I am.

Blogging is going to be hard for me. I'm fine with getting my thoughts out, but writing them seems so final. I love serious conversations, stimulating thoughts and more so stimulating friendships. But putting them in ink....thats my problem. My thoughts change often, and by often I mean about every 5-10 minutes. Big things stay the same, but my rationales and emotions fluctuate more then Oprah's weight.

So my first topic will be about how much I love my friends. I love my friends. I think they are basically perfect.....(don't take that sentence too literally) For the first time in life I have friends that challenge me, friends that would rather talk for 20 minutes about Jesus than other people. And by that I mean talking negatively about other people to make ourselves feel better. I know without a doubt that every single person I associate myself with on a regular basis has love as their priority in life. A love that stems from knowing how Jesus lived and a passion for figuring out how the crap he did it. All along knowing that we will never come even close to achieving that, yet we never stop trying.

This is a good place to be. It's a blessing to be around. Unspoken genuine concern for one another. Unspoken admiration, no matter how many times we mess up. Accepting each other exactly how we come, but still expecting greatness.

Here's the challenge:
When do we take advantage of these friendships? Being in each others lives comes with demands. I think that we are supposed to grow others and expect to allow them to grow us. (is that proper english, ah well...) But accepting criticism is never easy. I want to learn how to give it gracefully, and how to take it without wanting to punch that person in the face. That's it.

I'm super tired and am going to go play word scramble before I go to bed. My thoughts feel scrambled right now so I may do well....Sorry if this post didn't make any sense but the pressure was on to write...more to come I hope. (unless no one comments then I'm never writing again)


~julie~