Oh man, this is gonna be interesting.
It's been two months since my last post and in most ways my heart is in the same place. It's in an uncomfortable place, which is really kind of annoying if you ask me.
I'm still wanting to seek truth, honesty, and love. Truth for my life, for others' lives, and for anyone who thinks seeking Christ is worth its weight. Honesty. Honesty to speak what's on my heart, what this truth means to me, and hear what the truth means to you. Honesty to respond to others in a way that is best for them and in the way Jesus wants me to. Love. Love in my pursuit of truth and honesty.
I'm more self-aware of myself than I ever have been before, I think in a few months or years, at the rate I'm going, I'll see what I learning from this. Right now it honestly just makes me dislike myself. Ah sin.....I hate you. I'm wondering if the things I've started to realize about myself are things that have always been ingrained in who I am, or if they're habits and thoughts that I'm just now starting to pick up.
Everyday I go through possible explanations behind my motives and why I think the way I do.
Am I yearning for the love of Christ?
Of course, I'll never figure out how much He loves me. In my life, I know love by what I'm able to give, I can't give what He does, so therefore I remain, in part, numb to His feelings for me. With this said, I do feel like He's had His eye on me from the start. The Spirit was something that I never really had to figure out, it came to me. As soon as I started reading scriptures, there it(He) was. He has kept me within His reach for my entire life. I am chosen and in this I can understand love. I don't feel like I'm loosing it, I never did anything to deserve it in the first place so how can I loose it? I don't think this is the reasoning for my discomfort. His love is the joy that overcomes me so much so that I feel as if my body is not able to contain it. (Literally...it's weird. Weirdly awesome)
Am I really just a selfish piece of crap who is judgmental and will never find anyone good enough?
Of course. I'm all of the above. I have earthly tendencies that I've been given throughout my life, and some that I myself am responsible for. My thoughts are gross, sinful, and impair my ability to love. I find the areas that others fall short before I see successes. At some point this got worse. At some point I decided that I can make a blanket statement about a person and it would prove itself true. I think that I'm able to do things better. My childhood and how I was raised plays a role in this. I was raised with confidence that I can do things great, and was given some skills to be able to do so. I was also raised with a constant reminder that we were to do things on a certain level, a level that others did not live up to. I'm not trying to shift blame, this is who I am, and I've kept it. But honestly at the the root of who I am, I can say for only one reason, that I'm a humble person. I know that who I am, what I can do, what I've been given, and that every fiber of anything good or decent I have has been given to me by Christ. I say this without any hesitation. I was given great parents and everything else that makes me who I am. While my comparisons make everything look cloudy, I am nothing on my own, and I know this. I know this all just sounded like justification of me being judgmental, I don't want it to, but I don't know how else to explain myself.
I sit here and don't want to write anymore. With every word I'm a hypocrite because as I write in attempt to explain my dissatisfaction with the world, I become more and more dissatisfied with myself. I feel like I've been gifts. Some in my personality and skills. One of those skills I've been given is being able to understand people. I'm able to see some of their needs and how exactly I can meet those. I also have witnessed others with these gifts abuse them dramatically. Now I'm afraid to use them for fear of abusing them for my own gain. Jesus has given me insight, now I have to figure out how to not use that as manipulation.
It's been easier to just stay outside of it all. I want Jesus to change the world, and I want Him to use me, but I don't want to end up "using Jesus."
I don't want to speak up, but I can't stay quiet.
I don't want to leave, but I feel like there's so much more for me.
I don't want to give up, but I don't know how I should keep going.
I'll never feel like it's enough, because it never will be. Is there peace in that?
I want people to realize there's so much more, but I can't figure out how to find that yet myself.
I would love to know that I'm capable of being a martyr for the name of Jesus, but I'm not sure if my faith has every truly been tested.
I don't want to come across wrong in what I do, so I end up doing nothing.....
Welcome to my brain, you'll love it here....... :-P
