I was getting tired of not being tired, so I'm up blogging.
It's always quite intimidating blogging after it's been awhile. Where do I start? What do I care enough to blog about? This session is a frustrating one. I'm left helpless.
I'm coming to the point of truly having to live out the words, "I will wait for the right man." Seems childish, kind of like I'm at a teenage sleepover. Sitting around with a group of friends talking about the fairytales and all proclaiming how we will be with the perfect man. Well, it's easy to dream when no one's asking you to make any choices. Now I have to start choosing. I'm faced with some great men, at the same time I'm faced with having to push them aside for the one that truly seeks the Lord. The one that I know will seek the Lord with me. The one thing in my life that I live for is being on this journey with Jesus. The second thing is finding a man who will live that out right beside me. Taking the lead when need be and leading myself and our children into lives that exist to praise the One who has loved us first.
I don't search for the will to wait for the right man. The Lord has placed that in my heart and brought me to places in life that allow me to trust. Trust that I will not be able to walk down an aisle towards anyone else but him. That's not the hard part, the hard part is all the in between time and emotion.
The emotion and the hurt of feeling like I should be attending 'that' event with someone to sit next to. Someone who will be the one I'm really glad to be spending time with, although in the presence of many others. The strife of straining through all the "others." The could be's.....The might be's.....The ones that I allow my brain to begin seeking, even if my heart hasn't given the go ahead. The one's who will occupy my mind although I know they will never fully occupy that same heart.
Do I stray from all the others while waiting for him, or is he to be found on that same path towards the wrong "one?" How can I trust that the Lord knows exactly the path I need to take to find him while I'm still scared every step taken may be a step away from his divine intentions for me, for us.
He (Jesus) is all I need. He is my sustainer. He gives me a joy that will last and cover over my entire life. I don't believe my desires would feel so juggled if I didn't feel as if my future with that someone is so close. My yearning to be a wife and a mother is something that goes beyond what my earthly intentions and desires are. They are God given so I will allow God to give them. Give the blessings to me, in His time, in His way. It seems the Spirit just brought me to my own conclusion. :-)
I deserve none of the things I hope for. With that, I want nothing of the above mentioned unless it leads to complete glory to God. I want my-yet to be named family and husband to only be a more distinct and detailed opportunity to show what Jesus' love looks like. A love that is full. A love that is perfect. A love that is sought after and fought for.
Jesus is the only true example of those things but in His grace he offers us pieces of it. Our God loves perfectly. No matter what step I take, My God loves me perfectly while I continuously love him imperfectly. This is the God I serve, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
