Rise

I was getting tired of not being tired, so I'm up blogging.

It's always quite intimidating blogging after it's been awhile. Where do I start? What do I care enough to blog about? This session is a frustrating one. I'm left helpless.

I'm coming to the point of truly having to live out the words, "I will wait for the right man." Seems childish, kind of like I'm at a teenage sleepover. Sitting around with a group of friends talking about the fairytales and all proclaiming how we will be with the perfect man. Well, it's easy to dream when no one's asking you to make any choices. Now I have to start choosing. I'm faced with some great men, at the same time I'm faced with having to push them aside for the one that truly seeks the Lord. The one that I know will seek the Lord with me. The one thing in my life that I live for is being on this journey with Jesus. The second thing is finding a man who will live that out right beside me. Taking the lead when need be and leading myself and our children into lives that exist to praise the One who has loved us first.

I don't search for the will to wait for the right man. The Lord has placed that in my heart and brought me to places in life that allow me to trust. Trust that I will not be able to walk down an aisle towards anyone else but him. That's not the hard part, the hard part is all the in between time and emotion.

The emotion and the hurt of feeling like I should be attending 'that' event with someone to sit next to. Someone who will be the one I'm really glad to be spending time with, although in the presence of many others. The strife of straining through all the "others." The could be's.....The might be's.....The ones that I allow my brain to begin seeking, even if my heart hasn't given the go ahead. The one's who will occupy my mind although I know they will never fully occupy that same heart.

Do I stray from all the others while waiting for him, or is he to be found on that same path towards the wrong "one?" How can I trust that the Lord knows exactly the path I need to take to find him while I'm still scared every step taken may be a step away from his divine intentions for me, for us.

He (Jesus) is all I need. He is my sustainer. He gives me a joy that will last and cover over my entire life. I don't believe my desires would feel so juggled if I didn't feel as if my future with that someone is so close. My yearning to be a wife and a mother is something that goes beyond what my earthly intentions and desires are.  They are God given so I will allow God to give them. Give the blessings to me, in His time, in His way. It seems the Spirit just brought me to my own conclusion. :-)

I deserve none of the things I hope for. With that, I want nothing of the above mentioned unless it leads to complete glory to God. I want my-yet to be named family and husband to only be a more distinct and detailed opportunity to show what Jesus' love looks like. A love that is full. A love that is perfect. A love that is sought after and fought for.

Jesus is the only true example of those things but in His grace he offers us pieces of it. Our God loves perfectly. No matter what step I take, My God loves me perfectly while I continuously love him imperfectly.  This is the God I serve, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Dress us up.

I wrote this as I was flying to Atlanta. I think about death every time I fly. I'm not afraid to fly, it's just reality. I pictured the plane starting to free fall and these thoughts came after that wonderful and uplifting visualization. Oh, and apparently I try to rhyme sometimes.



If the air beneath this plane disappears,
If I find my lungs gasping for air.
If I think I'm moments away from the Son,

I will hold on to the words; Your will be done,

      and I will not fear.

When I see the faces terrified from what's been done,
When I see the world and what it's become

       I will not fear.

If I never find my one and "only,"
When the world tries to tell me I'm lonely,
If I never witness them realize the cross that you had to bare,

      I will not fear.

You've given me a lifetime worth of answers,
You've shown me a worth and joy that will never be matched.

You've endured it all, for my sake.
You've given me a joy that this world cannot shake.
Your precious and perfect body was ruined, so I could come near.

Because of this, I will not fear.



 

Dearly Loved.

Every week the taste of a wine soaked wafer on my tongue makes my legs weak and my heart ache. As I hear and feel the wafer crack under the weight of my jaw I think about His body. That's the part that makes my legs weak. As I taste the wine I know that His blood is the sacrifice that supplies my joy and my victory. That's the part that makes my heart ache.

My 24th birthday was on the 19th. Most of that day was spent thinking about how old I was. In 3rd grade we filled out a list of our life plans for our 20's. I'm pretty sure I had a few things on that list that I planned on accomplishing by this age but haven't quite yet done so. Don't tell my teacher...

I wouldn't have said this a year ago, but I'll say it now, I have regrets. But in those regrets I think of the things that I was doing while not finishing my degree....

        A. Spending 3.5 months in North Carolina with my cousins who absolutely stole my heart and continue to do so with every interaction.
        B. Spending the same months in North Carolina where I spent my time getting to know who I am, how God made me, and what I'm to do with all that.
        C. Spending 2 months in Atlanta where I found out I can make it anywhere because God is my supplier and is always at my side.
        D. Being a committed (and at times not so committed) Young Life leader. Discovering how to constantly serve and give of myself. Spending time surrounded by people who showed me what it's like to truly love Jesus.
        E. Community. Diving head first into friendships and conversations. Being challenged and challenging those I love.
        F. Relationships, 2 of em. Learning. Learning that I go all in. I'm quick to sacrifice who I am and what I want to accomplish. When it comes to someone I care about if they need something from me, I give it. I haven't decided to be more selfish, I'm happy with my willingness to be selfless and committed. I've just learned that the next time I do that it needs to be with someone who won't allow me to sacrifice the things that are essential to who I am.
        G. Traveling. Going places and experiencing people. Realizing that every interaction with another person is an opportunity for me to benefit their life and them to change mine.
        H. Nannying. A lot of nannying. I have a deep set love of children. In my quest for a husband, being confident that he'll be a good father will be the thing that drives me to the man God has for me.


In conclusion I'm old and biting my nails till the day I get into nursing school. God is good and He hasn't allowed my wasted days to go, well, wasted.

I'm choosing to lay off facebook and fill that time with my heart. My heart being an all encompassing term for me and Jesus. This will most likely lead to more blog posts. Jesus makes me think and if you've ever met me you know that if I think, I speak.