How did we get so presumptuous to think that we have the right to talk on Christ's behalf?
How did we get so tainted to presume that we can't?
Where's our compromise in the situation of speaking from Christs' Spirit? What a heavy claim. That carries so many implications with it. So I'm scared of speaking from His Spirit, but I also know that our God loves us enough to allow us to do so.
I'm going to North Carolina in a month....Whaaat.
Yes. It's really awkward making a big decision about an hour after you realized that God works in mysterious ways and settling into the fact that I don't always know His will for my life. There are a lot of things being affected by this decision. A lot of people, a lot of guilt, joy, and hope. Mostly hope. I didn't realize the hope I have until this very moment. But I guess I'll talk about that later.
I feel absolutely 100% guilty that I'll be absent from the ministry of YLASU for the fall semester. There's nothing that follows or lessens that. I'm scared to leave the comforts of The dup, the team, my friends, what makes me...me, for 3 months. I can't say that God is telling me to pack up and leave, I can't say that God is telling me to stay. I prayerfully give up rights to my life and hope that He is bold and clever enough to take me up on that offer. This could be the wrong decision, but it could be the right decision. Only Christ knows that, and I've learned that we're not on a yes no, green light red light basis...(not right now anyways)
But I'll follow Him in every thing I do. And this will be done in His glory. This decision will be made with the purpose of allowing Him to use any and every opportunity in my life to teach me something. To show me another part of who He's made me. He's made me a girl that is absolutely in love with her family. A girl that takes one look at my cousin and smiles from the inside out. A girl that can sit on the floor with a 3 year old and have him make me laugh harder then most anyone I know. (wow, thats a peaceful feeling) So I'm gonna stop waiting for my green or red lights in life. Because every time I get one I tell God that I know my own will for my life, and I have no hesitations to say that I do not. But His spirit is in me. God speaks.
I get to go hang out across the country, meet people that will be in my life for 3 months that could either have a huge impact or none at all. I get to allow my cousin to be across the world and sleep easy at night knowing that he has a friend at home for his wife, and an adorer of his kids watching over them during the day. I get to teach Isaac how to write his name. (It will be done) And teach Kyata...uh, something cool...not sure yet. I get to live a random, exciting, ever changing life. I get to sit in silence and grow with God. I get to be disciplined because I have no excuses not to be. I get to allow kids teach me the simplicity of life. I get to allow a Young life team realize how truly amazing they are, and make room for others to step into roles that they didn't think they'd be right for, and flourish. I get to watch God show favor on His people and their work at ASU....but I get to watch from a distance. Thats kind of sweet. His blueprints are already drawn, I'm just an addition that will be remodeled when I'm gone and then drawn back in when I return.
I get to have long distance significant conversations over the phone, facebook, video chat(duh), or some other communication device with my friends and find out what God's doing in the lives. I get to be humbled that God is doing amazing things and I have absolutely nothing to do with it. I get to be across the country and rest easy in the idea that I'm missing out on a lot. I get to spend Christmas with a 3 year old and 1 and a half year old and see the excitement on their faces when they open new toys and get to help make Christmas cookies. I get to pick Isaac up from school and ask him how his day was and tell him that the pointless painting he brought home is amazing.
I don't let God play a role in my world, I get to play a role in God's world.
I think I'm up for that.....whatever that means.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Open Water
Loving Jesus is exhausting.
In the last 6 months I've found myself trying to find answers in a God that doesn't always provide them. This will mess you up....Let me tell you. After I couldn't find a comprehensible God the world kept making more and more sense to me. This will also mess you up. This didn't lead me to anywhere very exciting or dangerous, only because Jesus has a way of hanging on to me. I was brought to places where the very thought of praying left me frustrated beyond belief. I thought I had lost trust in God. Trust. This word beats me down every other day. I had felt that God had abandoned me. Well, okay, thats extreme. But I felt like I couldn't believe any of my own feelings and emotions. Of which in the past I had hoped came from His Spirit. Every emotion I have had in the last 6 months or so seemed like it was the complete opposite of what it seems God wanted for me. I'd feel one thing, put it in His hands, tell Him to take control of it, to guide me, then He'd do so, but in the opposite direction I would have expected Him to. This will mess you up.....I didn't know what He was doing, or if He was truly even doing anything. I'm still in the middle of this, and climbing out.
The only reason I'm gonna get out of this is if I can figure out what Trusting God means. It's the absolute basis of what I call my faith. Its the only tattoo I'd ever want on my body. (yeah, thats how extreme I am) Trusting God has been like the most intense roller coaster I've ever been on. At some points I would chose nothing else. It's fun, its exciting, its rewarding, I'm laughing and have the biggest smile on my face and I hope that we can skip to the front of the line and go again right away. At at other points I am peeing and pooping my pants at the same time. I'm squeezing the persons hand next to me, checking my seatbelt fifty times and screaming that I want off. Feeling the fear of the next big drop in the pit of my stomach. All along the way knowing that if someone actually listened and stopped the roller coaster mid ride and allowed me the chance to get off I'd look at them, laugh, and wonder why they actually listened to me. Didn't they know it was just said in the heat of the moment and I didn't mean a word I said?
I like this roller coaster but DAMN it's exhausting! God has confused the crap out of me. I don't understand one slight emotion that I've had. It's caused me to doubt the opportunities I have and whether or not I can trust the guidance of my own heart. I don't like that. I want to think that if I stay obedient, and prayerful then any emotion I have will come from the Spirit. That sounds good right? Yeah. Thats what I've expected from God. My thinking needs to change. I'm giving myself too much credit. I suck. I suck at listening and being still enough to truly think that His spirit is mine. I believe that it can be, and to some extents it is. But the world is loud. My stubbornness and narrow mindedness is powerful. My selfish ambition and laziness is most of the making of who I am, no matter how much I don't like it.
But I TRUST that He is more powerful then I am. I rest in that. I believe that He will overcome me. No matter how much I like or dislike it. His word has slapped me in the face more then I can explain. His word brings me so much comfort that it is horribly uncomfortable. I don't trust myself, but I'll give up everything to learn what it means to Trust Him.
In the last 6 months I've found myself trying to find answers in a God that doesn't always provide them. This will mess you up....Let me tell you. After I couldn't find a comprehensible God the world kept making more and more sense to me. This will also mess you up. This didn't lead me to anywhere very exciting or dangerous, only because Jesus has a way of hanging on to me. I was brought to places where the very thought of praying left me frustrated beyond belief. I thought I had lost trust in God. Trust. This word beats me down every other day. I had felt that God had abandoned me. Well, okay, thats extreme. But I felt like I couldn't believe any of my own feelings and emotions. Of which in the past I had hoped came from His Spirit. Every emotion I have had in the last 6 months or so seemed like it was the complete opposite of what it seems God wanted for me. I'd feel one thing, put it in His hands, tell Him to take control of it, to guide me, then He'd do so, but in the opposite direction I would have expected Him to. This will mess you up.....I didn't know what He was doing, or if He was truly even doing anything. I'm still in the middle of this, and climbing out.
The only reason I'm gonna get out of this is if I can figure out what Trusting God means. It's the absolute basis of what I call my faith. Its the only tattoo I'd ever want on my body. (yeah, thats how extreme I am) Trusting God has been like the most intense roller coaster I've ever been on. At some points I would chose nothing else. It's fun, its exciting, its rewarding, I'm laughing and have the biggest smile on my face and I hope that we can skip to the front of the line and go again right away. At at other points I am peeing and pooping my pants at the same time. I'm squeezing the persons hand next to me, checking my seatbelt fifty times and screaming that I want off. Feeling the fear of the next big drop in the pit of my stomach. All along the way knowing that if someone actually listened and stopped the roller coaster mid ride and allowed me the chance to get off I'd look at them, laugh, and wonder why they actually listened to me. Didn't they know it was just said in the heat of the moment and I didn't mean a word I said?
I like this roller coaster but DAMN it's exhausting! God has confused the crap out of me. I don't understand one slight emotion that I've had. It's caused me to doubt the opportunities I have and whether or not I can trust the guidance of my own heart. I don't like that. I want to think that if I stay obedient, and prayerful then any emotion I have will come from the Spirit. That sounds good right? Yeah. Thats what I've expected from God. My thinking needs to change. I'm giving myself too much credit. I suck. I suck at listening and being still enough to truly think that His spirit is mine. I believe that it can be, and to some extents it is. But the world is loud. My stubbornness and narrow mindedness is powerful. My selfish ambition and laziness is most of the making of who I am, no matter how much I don't like it.
But I TRUST that He is more powerful then I am. I rest in that. I believe that He will overcome me. No matter how much I like or dislike it. His word has slapped me in the face more then I can explain. His word brings me so much comfort that it is horribly uncomfortable. I don't trust myself, but I'll give up everything to learn what it means to Trust Him.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Honesty is the best policy
Normally Chrisitanity makes sense to me.
These last 6 months it hasn't made as much sense to me. I write this knowing that most of the readers would be Christian so I speak more freely assuming that you will understand that I don't intend to say that I question the fact that Jesus is my Lord, son of God, and Savior. He is and will always be.
But my life just isn't making sense. Every desire I have seems to be brought down and proven wrong. Every instinct I listen to is wrong. Every time I think there is reasoning, the reasoning doesn't come true. Every advantage I think I have turns out to be a hindrance.
With all this in the last few weeks it has pushed me away from seeking comfort anymore. I feel like any of the comfort I seek will turn out to be a false comfort. As soon as things make sense I just need to wait a week or so and then that will slowly fade.
It's weird when you're in a rut but you choose to stay in it. At least you know you won't fall back in again if you never get out. Okay, thats super emo and not where I'm going to stay, but those are my words for now.
These last 6 months it hasn't made as much sense to me. I write this knowing that most of the readers would be Christian so I speak more freely assuming that you will understand that I don't intend to say that I question the fact that Jesus is my Lord, son of God, and Savior. He is and will always be.
But my life just isn't making sense. Every desire I have seems to be brought down and proven wrong. Every instinct I listen to is wrong. Every time I think there is reasoning, the reasoning doesn't come true. Every advantage I think I have turns out to be a hindrance.
With all this in the last few weeks it has pushed me away from seeking comfort anymore. I feel like any of the comfort I seek will turn out to be a false comfort. As soon as things make sense I just need to wait a week or so and then that will slowly fade.
It's weird when you're in a rut but you choose to stay in it. At least you know you won't fall back in again if you never get out. Okay, thats super emo and not where I'm going to stay, but those are my words for now.
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