Open Water

Loving Jesus is exhausting.

In the last 6 months I've found myself trying to find answers in a God that doesn't always provide them. This will mess you up....Let me tell you. After I couldn't find a comprehensible God the world kept making more and more sense to me. This will also mess you up. This didn't lead me to anywhere very exciting or dangerous, only because Jesus has a way of hanging on to me. I was brought to places where the very thought of praying left me frustrated beyond belief. I thought I had lost trust in God. Trust. This word beats me down every other day. I had felt that God had abandoned me. Well, okay, thats extreme. But I felt like I couldn't believe any of my own feelings and emotions. Of which in the past I had hoped came from His Spirit. Every emotion I have had in the last 6 months or so seemed like it was the complete opposite of what it seems God wanted for me. I'd feel one thing, put it in His hands, tell Him to take control of it, to guide me, then He'd do so, but in the opposite direction I would have expected Him to. This will mess you up.....I didn't know what He was doing, or if He was truly even doing anything. I'm still in the middle of this, and climbing out.

The only reason I'm gonna get out of this is if I can figure out what Trusting God means. It's the absolute basis of what I call my faith. Its the only tattoo I'd ever want on my body. (yeah, thats how extreme I am) Trusting God has been like the most intense roller coaster I've ever been on. At some points I would chose nothing else. It's fun, its exciting, its rewarding, I'm laughing and have the biggest smile on my face and I hope that we can skip to the front of the line and go again right away. At at other points I am peeing and pooping my pants at the same time. I'm squeezing the persons hand next to me, checking my seatbelt fifty times and screaming that I want off. Feeling the fear of the next big drop in the pit of my stomach. All along the way knowing that if someone actually listened and stopped the roller coaster mid ride and allowed me the chance to get off I'd look at them, laugh, and wonder why they actually listened to me. Didn't they know it was just said in the heat of the moment and I didn't mean a word I said?

I like this roller coaster but DAMN it's exhausting! God has confused the crap out of me. I don't understand one slight emotion that I've had. It's caused me to doubt the opportunities I have and whether or not I can trust the guidance of my own heart. I don't like that. I want to think that if I stay obedient, and prayerful then any emotion I have will come from the Spirit. That sounds good right? Yeah. Thats what I've expected from God. My thinking needs to change. I'm giving myself too much credit. I suck. I suck at listening and being still enough to truly think that His spirit is mine. I believe that it can be, and to some extents it is. But the world is loud. My stubbornness and narrow mindedness is powerful. My selfish ambition and laziness is most of the making of who I am, no matter how much I don't like it.

But I TRUST that He is more powerful then I am. I rest in that. I believe that He will overcome me. No matter how much I like or dislike it. His word has slapped me in the face more then I can explain. His word brings me so much comfort that it is horribly uncomfortable. I don't trust myself, but I'll give up everything to learn what it means to Trust Him.