At points some may seem to think that I'm unhappy, or at least unsettled about my current situation. I mean, think about it, I allow myself to get ripped out of comfort and everything that makes me, me. I have little to no social interaction with anyone my own age. No social interaction with anyone that loves Jesus the way I do, and only moments when I'm alone and not constantly being demanded for attention or help. Usually in those moments I shower, do laundry, clean the house, watch a podcast (that I normally fall asleep to) or sleep. If I'm lucky I get in a phone conversation with someone that I most likely adore.
But it's funny how you seem to follow yourself everywhere you go. I knew I could enter into this experience and gain from it because of the silly little idea that Jesus also follows you wherever you go. That was the #1 strongest argument for me knowing that I would be okay outside of everything that brings me joy in life. People, ministry, family. (not in any specific order)
While being here I have gotten lonely, but felt reassured. I have been frustrated, but then relieved of all reasoning to feel frustrated. I have not second guessed once. I have learned that I am far less patient then I thought I was. I love the absolutely pure moments that surrounding yourself with "innocent" children can bring. These children at times are not so...innocent...and thats where I've learned that my patience doesn't run quite as long as I'd like.
I've learned that life is far less enjoyable when you're in a rush to get somewhere, or get something done. When afraid of being behind schedule you're forced to demand immediate responses from people and lose your sight for seeing incredible things that may happen. When you get sick of running on someone else's agenda, you begin to run on yours. And you cut yourself off from seeing what amazing gifts they have to show you.
I have felt the value of friendships, and the gift of love that I feel from and for my friends. Christ has allowed me to have a heart that is almost always thinking of my friends, wondering how they're doing, and praying that I have the right words to say if they're not. And if they are okay, finding the right words to say for them to know their worth to me. The actual execution of this hasn't happened every time its needed to because, I run on my own agenda. But it never ceases to amaze me how Christ continues to love me, which allows me to continue to love others. (even if its in my own heart most of the time, and not yet in their eyes) I suck for that.
I have learned that I want to learn. I want to learn about politicians and what people think will make this world, "a better place" if you will. I find myself thinking of new ways to pray and new ways to carryout the possibilities that Christ gives me as His follower.
I've learned that I have a lot to learn.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Question marks and exclamations.
So possibly here comes the point that I'm tested. The point that I figure out what I'm supposed to be gaining from experiences, old and new.
"A Christian worker has to learn how to be God’s man or woman of great worth and excellence in the midst of a multitude of meager and worthless things." From today's' entry of Utmost by Oswald Chambers. The writing ends with a simple sentence. "Let Him have His way"
What does that mean in my life? What do with the failures that I've created with not letting Him have His way? More importantly what do I do with the successes that have been created out of my awesome Savior because I didn't let Him have His way? Where does the line get drawn? I wonder if at one point the past is done with, or should I be allowing it to be teaching, growing, and shaping me. Do I remember hard lessons because I should still be learning from them, or do I close the door once I feel God has shown me what I need to see. But does he every stop showing you things? Is it my human nature to keep experiences and wounds open so that I can validate pain by continuously learning from it? Christ has granted me healing, perspective, and growth that is only of Him in my life, with many many different battles. I feel like He wants the door closed on those experiences. But will I still see what He needs me to while blocking my heart? What is His way in all of this?
When do we learn enough? How do we decide whether or not we're done learning? Are we ever? I'm sick of all the question marks in this blog. Here's where I'm at. I'll know He's done what he's needed to when I see His wisdom in me. At times I see it, for sure, then I slip, and it makes me question if I truly gained what I was supposed to from following Him. I'm not gonna close something, think that I have it under control then be blinded in the same ways. That's a disservice to him and what He's willing to provide me.
This entry doesn't have a closing paragraph yet....
"A Christian worker has to learn how to be God’s man or woman of great worth and excellence in the midst of a multitude of meager and worthless things." From today's' entry of Utmost by Oswald Chambers. The writing ends with a simple sentence. "Let Him have His way"
What does that mean in my life? What do with the failures that I've created with not letting Him have His way? More importantly what do I do with the successes that have been created out of my awesome Savior because I didn't let Him have His way? Where does the line get drawn? I wonder if at one point the past is done with, or should I be allowing it to be teaching, growing, and shaping me. Do I remember hard lessons because I should still be learning from them, or do I close the door once I feel God has shown me what I need to see. But does he every stop showing you things? Is it my human nature to keep experiences and wounds open so that I can validate pain by continuously learning from it? Christ has granted me healing, perspective, and growth that is only of Him in my life, with many many different battles. I feel like He wants the door closed on those experiences. But will I still see what He needs me to while blocking my heart? What is His way in all of this?
When do we learn enough? How do we decide whether or not we're done learning? Are we ever? I'm sick of all the question marks in this blog. Here's where I'm at. I'll know He's done what he's needed to when I see His wisdom in me. At times I see it, for sure, then I slip, and it makes me question if I truly gained what I was supposed to from following Him. I'm not gonna close something, think that I have it under control then be blinded in the same ways. That's a disservice to him and what He's willing to provide me.
This entry doesn't have a closing paragraph yet....
Monday, October 6, 2008
Bigger and better
So I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how big God is. And how we cannot even comprehend the real answer to that statement. In my reading it speaks about God’s plans for us, a topic that I’ve been especially fond of the last few months. “God wants us to get where he wants us to be more then we want to get where God wants us to be” Quote from the book. It took me a few times reading it to comprehend it in its entirety. I find myself so concerned with messing up Gods plan, with making the wrong choices, not hearing His spirit correctly, doing my will and not His. In all my worrying I’ve just been proving to myself that by me thinking I’m in control, I’ve been doing that exact thing I’m afraid of, my will.
If we can figure out a way to rest in His enormity and power then His will would be done in our lives. A car drove past me today and it had the Jesus fish on it. I’ve seen this a million times but if made me laugh today. Is that really Jesus? I literally pictured a mini Jesus clinging on to the back of the car. I think that can be seen as the perfect example in our life. Lets say the car is our life…(stay with me here) and we throw a little flashy appealable Jesus on it for everyone to see. We want everyone to see Jesus, out of sincere intentions. We’re proud of our faith and who Jesus is. But is that what Jesus does for us? Does he tattoo our name on His skin to say, “Hey, look, I like this person.” No, He’s too busy being engulfed and overwhelmed with loving us that anything like that would just take His time away from His true passion, us. He doesn’t care about doing things to show other people how much He loves us, He’s too busy loving us. The Jesus Fish is an ornament. But what if in my fun little world we were sitting in and driving the Jesus fish, because that was our purpose. And the car (anything worldly) were things we’d stick onto the outside of Jesus. What if Jesus was the ABSOLUTE purpose we took every single individual step. Why isn’t it like that? Why are we living a life WITH Jesus and not a life FOR Jesus.
What if we TRUSTED that Jesus was big enough for us not to decide our own lives. What if we could confidently say I will be on this planet for my time for your purpose, not my own. Not to be successful, not to be liked, and not even for creating a family of our own. What if we trusted that He’ll give us those things if He wants us to have them, and we stopped trying to get them. What if I didn’t get done with college in 4 years. (obviously) What if I cared more about sincerely taking care of one person then keeping five other people, “pleased” with me. What if His will would be done in our lives, what if we truly wanted His will to be done in our lives, and gave up anything we wanted to have that happen.
It all goes back to how big do we thing God is? The book also says that a person is defined by what they think when they think about God. If you think He’s a small metal symbol on your car then what hand are you allowing Him to have in your life? What are you doing for Him and what is He doing for you? What are you allowing yourself to see about Him? What is He allowing you to see about Him, and who YOU are? I think God still works whenever and however He wants to in our lives. But shoot, if you’re can’t see that it’s your creator sculpting your life…its like having a blindfold and earplugs in while sitting in an Oscar winning film. Or any Will Smith movie for that matter. You miss everything, Every scene, even though you’re sitting in the theater. Now I see why people feel like they don’t have a purpose when they don’t believe in Christ. He’s the one who already decided our purpose, so if we can’t see ourselves through His eyes we don’t see anything, not even ourselves.
There will be much more to follow. This feels like the most obnoxious unorganized thing I’ve ever written. Welp, there goes my blogging for you.
Peace from the East (coast)
If we can figure out a way to rest in His enormity and power then His will would be done in our lives. A car drove past me today and it had the Jesus fish on it. I’ve seen this a million times but if made me laugh today. Is that really Jesus? I literally pictured a mini Jesus clinging on to the back of the car. I think that can be seen as the perfect example in our life. Lets say the car is our life…(stay with me here) and we throw a little flashy appealable Jesus on it for everyone to see. We want everyone to see Jesus, out of sincere intentions. We’re proud of our faith and who Jesus is. But is that what Jesus does for us? Does he tattoo our name on His skin to say, “Hey, look, I like this person.” No, He’s too busy being engulfed and overwhelmed with loving us that anything like that would just take His time away from His true passion, us. He doesn’t care about doing things to show other people how much He loves us, He’s too busy loving us. The Jesus Fish is an ornament. But what if in my fun little world we were sitting in and driving the Jesus fish, because that was our purpose. And the car (anything worldly) were things we’d stick onto the outside of Jesus. What if Jesus was the ABSOLUTE purpose we took every single individual step. Why isn’t it like that? Why are we living a life WITH Jesus and not a life FOR Jesus.
What if we TRUSTED that Jesus was big enough for us not to decide our own lives. What if we could confidently say I will be on this planet for my time for your purpose, not my own. Not to be successful, not to be liked, and not even for creating a family of our own. What if we trusted that He’ll give us those things if He wants us to have them, and we stopped trying to get them. What if I didn’t get done with college in 4 years. (obviously) What if I cared more about sincerely taking care of one person then keeping five other people, “pleased” with me. What if His will would be done in our lives, what if we truly wanted His will to be done in our lives, and gave up anything we wanted to have that happen.
It all goes back to how big do we thing God is? The book also says that a person is defined by what they think when they think about God. If you think He’s a small metal symbol on your car then what hand are you allowing Him to have in your life? What are you doing for Him and what is He doing for you? What are you allowing yourself to see about Him? What is He allowing you to see about Him, and who YOU are? I think God still works whenever and however He wants to in our lives. But shoot, if you’re can’t see that it’s your creator sculpting your life…its like having a blindfold and earplugs in while sitting in an Oscar winning film. Or any Will Smith movie for that matter. You miss everything, Every scene, even though you’re sitting in the theater. Now I see why people feel like they don’t have a purpose when they don’t believe in Christ. He’s the one who already decided our purpose, so if we can’t see ourselves through His eyes we don’t see anything, not even ourselves.
There will be much more to follow. This feels like the most obnoxious unorganized thing I’ve ever written. Welp, there goes my blogging for you.
Peace from the East (coast)
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