Rehab

I've learned that there's a horrible disconnect in what God has equipped us for and how we have decided to use those very gifts.

These two + months away have affected me more then I thought they had. When I went home for thanksgiving break I was bombarded by all the thoughts in my head. They had finally been given a backdrop to stand out against. It was hard.

Now I sit with a new perspective of what I wish for my life lived with/in Christ. I've had good conversations here. I've found myself having honest conversations with people much more frequently then in Az. Yes, perhaps it's me being more vulnerable, me having less to run off to. More time to just sit and talk to the newest customer at the Ruby Tuesday bar about God and the life we claim to lead in His name. But it's also a different vulnerability, openness that the "culture" here shares. It's relaxed and it's real to me. I showed up not knowing more than my 3 family members, and feel as if I could stay and do just fine.

That's the glory of the Lord. He is comfort. He has been my comfort. Whatever I'm going through, no matter where I am, if I'm learning more about Him, if I'm learning what He's trying to show me about myself, then its' worth it.

I want to come home to sincerity. I don't want to settle back into what life felt like before. I want to be challenged to execute the desires that have been revealed here. I've gained and I've lost. I've been disappointed in ways I didn't expect, by people I didn't expect, and more than I expected. But I type that sentence then confidently say, "That's okay." Life isn't about the disappointments, if it was then I would be consumed by them, and consumed by how to respond to them. I find that exhausting.

I've learned that I want to love those that no one else wants to love, but that sounds easy to me. On one hand, that's why I realized that God has given me the ability to do so, and I will, I will. But with that comes the humbling thought that if I can love the least, the dirty, the hurt, then why can't I love the ones right next to me? It's hard for me to love those who think that they are easy to love. Ha. Sorry that realization just made me chuckle cause its true. That's when it's hardest for me to love and sacrifice.

Above all I want to love with extremity. The love that Jesus shows(ed) is extreme and irrational. Why do we take that and let it just sit? Why doesn't it make us want to change the world the way He's changed our lives? Or at least freakin change(love) our neighborhood, heck, our street,......our home....our friends, the man sitting alone in a restaurant?

I could go on forever, but for the sake of actually wanting people to be able to read this without wanting to punch themselves in the face to stay awake, I'll end here.

Who's the hardest for you to love? Is it yourself? God? The man that doesn't speak the same language as you and makes you feel uncomfortable? Your family? The dirty guy on mill that has thrown his life away to drugs (or that's what you assume anyways)? Your best friend who doesn't initiate the text conversation enough?

Nothing makes me feel the way Christs' love makes me feel, whether its me giving it or getting it, it all feels the same...what a blessing.

What a God.