takethislife

Okay, so it got tough.

Last night was probably the hardest night since I've arrived here. I can't even tell you why. But I'll try.

I have my two worlds, my life here is expanding, I'm gaining new friendships which are growing and the opportunities to get to know people keep getting stronger and stronger. While on the other side, my Az life felt like it was diminishing. It's hard to keep in contact with legitimate conversation when I have have 2 children desperately seeking my attention every moment I'm with them, and when I'm not with them I'm at Ruby Tuesday's. When I'm not in either of those two situations I want to just sit still with music, reading, or I have work I need to get done. So it leaves me feeling like I'm constantly achieving nothing with those I love most.

Friendships here are getting good. Which is nice, but uneasy. Uneasy because it feels pointless to establish them, leaves me unsure of what the goal is. This fact pushes me away from strengthening them. But unfortunately I'm a social person so they are growing anyways. In the growth of new friendships I experience the world. And I experience the earths' raw view of me, sometimes not attractive. My bubble...I really need these moments of getting out of my comfort bubble even thought they're painful at times.

Home is moving without me. I find myself being anxious about my visit in a week. I'm not sure how I'll feel when I'm home, how sensitive my emotions will be towards my friends. I'm afraid of being selfish, afraid that I will feel a sense of entitlement of time and people. The fact that friendships have been forming and deteriorating for 2 months without me seeing may leave me off guard and surprised. Along with all that after a week I will be returning for 2 more months, and I have no idea how I'll feel when I walk back away from everyone and onto the plane.

Please don't misunderstand, this is what God does, this is what life does, it teaches, and I'm learning. I'm good, I truly am. But I feel to get what I'm supposed to out of this experience in my life I have to acknowledge the trials to figure out the victories.

Let me end with this, God is powerful. I love that in my moments of desperation I literally find myself on the ground in the darkness because at that moment I need to hear His peace. And I always do, it's ridiculous, but I always do. Prayers are being answered and I'm continually feeling convicted by His spirit to lead me into different thoughts, conversations, and decisions. I'm so grateful to have a God that knows what I need when I don't.

1 week...... :-D