Contentment; Good or bad?
I'm in an incredibly awkward place right now, so awkward that I feel as if I shouldn't be blogging. But when my thoughts stay in my brain they will fester. Festering leads to me feeling super uncomfortable and not being able to sleep, so for the sake of a good nights sleep here I go.
I've lost the ability to be content. I came home and have felt a lackluster set of emotions. At times I experience a happiness close to what I had before, but at most times it falls short. Maybe I'm more confused than I thought I would be. So many things became clear to me, but as that happened everything else got foggy. For four months I thought about how I can become better, how I can learn to love Jesus, others, and myself better. Being home means I need to follow through with everything. I'm so scared of failing. I'm so scared of my life becoming a routine of the same weaknesses showing themselves over and over again.
So I'm in charge of preventing this right? Why do I feel like I wanna give up already? The three options scare me; try hard and succeed; Don't try and fail; Try hard and fail. The last one scares me more than the others obviously. Which is weird, that's not my personality, (I didn't think)
I'm scared of repeating what I've failed at, and what has failed in the past. I've grown and learned a lot, but yet I seem to say that every time, so what's different this time?
The moments I feel happiest are the ones that scare me.
Maybe it's nice, perhaps I finally feel the hopelessness that we should always feel. Perhaps this brings me to falling on my knees and begging Christ for His strength and guidance, in my warped head my next thought is the possibility of me messing up the strength and guidance He gives me. The devil on my shoulder maybe winning this war tonight. Do I dare say that he's fighting harder than before? Freakin devil.....and everything that's not of Christ in that case.
I don't want to mess up what you provide Lord, but mostly I want to feel Your love and need Your Grace.
Then and only then I'll be okay.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
Come All Ye Weary
Don't you think that if there's something that makes people want to change every single way in which they think, act, speak, react, love, and live there may be something to it? Nothing else on this earth has the power to do that to anyone, so maybe it's a power not provided by this earth.
The Lord fights for the oppressed, maybe we should too.
The Lord fights for the oppressed, maybe we should too.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Ramble Jamble.
The tossing and turning
The moaning and groaning.
What makes you feel so settled in your disbelief?
What makes you feel complete?
You have no idea where you’re going or where you’ve been, yet you stay on the same winding path.
I tried to love but its been proven impossible.
Who’s made you feel so unlovable and unworthy?
I tried to show you worth, but you showed me dirt.
I cough, swallowed and continued to love.
You forced me out, and I wanted release.
I pray for you as you reach out to nothing.
Perhaps I’m being bold, but I’ve seen through you and your lies.
The lies you’ve believed about the world, and the lies you’ve believed about yourself.
The Truth will make you crumble, cry, and die.
Then you’ll become the one that is steady, and above all, loved.
He’s ready when you are, I won’t be there, but I hope with every ounce of my heart that you will be.
The moaning and groaning.
What makes you feel so settled in your disbelief?
What makes you feel complete?
You have no idea where you’re going or where you’ve been, yet you stay on the same winding path.
I tried to love but its been proven impossible.
Who’s made you feel so unlovable and unworthy?
I tried to show you worth, but you showed me dirt.
I cough, swallowed and continued to love.
You forced me out, and I wanted release.
I pray for you as you reach out to nothing.
Perhaps I’m being bold, but I’ve seen through you and your lies.
The lies you’ve believed about the world, and the lies you’ve believed about yourself.
The Truth will make you crumble, cry, and die.
Then you’ll become the one that is steady, and above all, loved.
He’s ready when you are, I won’t be there, but I hope with every ounce of my heart that you will be.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Marvelous Light
So here I sit. Midnight of the first day of 2009. I've felt such a itch to blog these last few days so mostly I'm blogging just to scratch that. I'm not sure of the content or purpose, so here's to me scratching.......
New Years this year has felt stupid. I think it's stupid that one day a year people think about how to improve their lives. People make decisions, some stick to them, some do not. But why on New Years? Why when the calendar year switches? Maybe it's freedom. Perhaps people feel like they're now given permission to stop, or change what they're doing, because the people around them are doing the same. There's release in knowing that even the clock is telling you to start over.
Weird thing though. We're lucky. We have that new start every time we open a bible, close our eyes, open our eyes, take a deep breath, or speak His name. We have it every minute of every day. In addition to having it whenever we want, we have the worlds' best workout, addiction, diet, physical, and emotional therapist to call on.
These last 3 months has been a constant over analysis of life, my life and the lives around me. Ironic that I happen to be coming home at the break of a new year, because that's what it feels like to me. I've reestablished my goals, and the passions behind them. I've been disappointed in myself and others. Being disappointed in others doesn't really help you in many specific ways, but finding disappointment in yourself, at the end of the day, is pretty sweet.
I know what I fail at, over and over, I fail.
I fail at being a responsible, worthy citizen, friend, student, tante', daughter, roommate, cousin, sister, follower of Christ, and any other category you can put me in. Believe me, when I say that, I've learned to believe it. Christ has given me the gift of good eyes. I can see others and myself a little bit clearer than I could without Him.
I want to blind my critiquing and judgmental sight. This is the hardest for me. I can't look at a person without analyzing and judging what are their truths, sincerity's, insincerity's and weaknesses are. There's this crazy righteousness that comes from being a human Christian. I say human Christian because as soon as we read Christ's words we learn it most certainly does not come from him. I posses that undeserved righteousness that spills into every conversation I have, and most times, it does not belong there.
I want to speak to someone without feeling like I'm talking at them, giving them unasked for advice or input. I have been given the gift of insight into others' lives and I want to use that the way Christ intends for me to. In every conversation regardless of what's on my selfish heart.
( I told you this was going to be a messy post, I could go on but I'll save the rest of my personal critiques for next post)
I still have unaswered questions that feel as if they're burning a hole into the side of my heart. I want to know if others I care for will experience the same redemption that I've been so graciously been given. I want to know what man will care for me as Christ has instructed him to. I want to succeed in illustrating the passions and skills that have been restored in me through my daily rebirths.
I need to go to bed. If you've made it to the end, God bless you, and I love you.
Happy New Year (minute/hour/second)!
You've just been given another minute, even more wait ahead of you, use them.
2 Corinthians 5:17
17Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
*I think maybe I was supposed to come here*
New Years this year has felt stupid. I think it's stupid that one day a year people think about how to improve their lives. People make decisions, some stick to them, some do not. But why on New Years? Why when the calendar year switches? Maybe it's freedom. Perhaps people feel like they're now given permission to stop, or change what they're doing, because the people around them are doing the same. There's release in knowing that even the clock is telling you to start over.
Weird thing though. We're lucky. We have that new start every time we open a bible, close our eyes, open our eyes, take a deep breath, or speak His name. We have it every minute of every day. In addition to having it whenever we want, we have the worlds' best workout, addiction, diet, physical, and emotional therapist to call on.
These last 3 months has been a constant over analysis of life, my life and the lives around me. Ironic that I happen to be coming home at the break of a new year, because that's what it feels like to me. I've reestablished my goals, and the passions behind them. I've been disappointed in myself and others. Being disappointed in others doesn't really help you in many specific ways, but finding disappointment in yourself, at the end of the day, is pretty sweet.
I know what I fail at, over and over, I fail.
I fail at being a responsible, worthy citizen, friend, student, tante', daughter, roommate, cousin, sister, follower of Christ, and any other category you can put me in. Believe me, when I say that, I've learned to believe it. Christ has given me the gift of good eyes. I can see others and myself a little bit clearer than I could without Him.
I want to blind my critiquing and judgmental sight. This is the hardest for me. I can't look at a person without analyzing and judging what are their truths, sincerity's, insincerity's and weaknesses are. There's this crazy righteousness that comes from being a human Christian. I say human Christian because as soon as we read Christ's words we learn it most certainly does not come from him. I posses that undeserved righteousness that spills into every conversation I have, and most times, it does not belong there.
I want to speak to someone without feeling like I'm talking at them, giving them unasked for advice or input. I have been given the gift of insight into others' lives and I want to use that the way Christ intends for me to. In every conversation regardless of what's on my selfish heart.
( I told you this was going to be a messy post, I could go on but I'll save the rest of my personal critiques for next post)
I still have unaswered questions that feel as if they're burning a hole into the side of my heart. I want to know if others I care for will experience the same redemption that I've been so graciously been given. I want to know what man will care for me as Christ has instructed him to. I want to succeed in illustrating the passions and skills that have been restored in me through my daily rebirths.
I need to go to bed. If you've made it to the end, God bless you, and I love you.
Happy New Year (minute/hour/second)!
You've just been given another minute, even more wait ahead of you, use them.
2 Corinthians 5:17
17Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
*I think maybe I was supposed to come here*
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