Contentment; Good or bad?
I'm in an incredibly awkward place right now, so awkward that I feel as if I shouldn't be blogging. But when my thoughts stay in my brain they will fester. Festering leads to me feeling super uncomfortable and not being able to sleep, so for the sake of a good nights sleep here I go.
I've lost the ability to be content. I came home and have felt a lackluster set of emotions. At times I experience a happiness close to what I had before, but at most times it falls short. Maybe I'm more confused than I thought I would be. So many things became clear to me, but as that happened everything else got foggy. For four months I thought about how I can become better, how I can learn to love Jesus, others, and myself better. Being home means I need to follow through with everything. I'm so scared of failing. I'm so scared of my life becoming a routine of the same weaknesses showing themselves over and over again.
So I'm in charge of preventing this right? Why do I feel like I wanna give up already? The three options scare me; try hard and succeed; Don't try and fail; Try hard and fail. The last one scares me more than the others obviously. Which is weird, that's not my personality, (I didn't think)
I'm scared of repeating what I've failed at, and what has failed in the past. I've grown and learned a lot, but yet I seem to say that every time, so what's different this time?
The moments I feel happiest are the ones that scare me.
Maybe it's nice, perhaps I finally feel the hopelessness that we should always feel. Perhaps this brings me to falling on my knees and begging Christ for His strength and guidance, in my warped head my next thought is the possibility of me messing up the strength and guidance He gives me. The devil on my shoulder maybe winning this war tonight. Do I dare say that he's fighting harder than before? Freakin devil.....and everything that's not of Christ in that case.
I don't want to mess up what you provide Lord, but mostly I want to feel Your love and need Your Grace.
Then and only then I'll be okay.
2 comments:
Julie. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. Don't set expectations - just do what you do, which you've figured out.
I think sometimes it's our thoughts that cause us to fear so much - we think over things too much. I'm so guilty of this.
Joels here wanting to talk....can't finish this thought....
I think feeling this unworthy sometimes is healthy because it reminds us that we are made to live for Him and can never be as perfect as His love and existence. I'm with you in this boat...I don't know if I realized it so much till you made me> nudge>nudge!
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