Things in my heart have shifted, and it's leaving me unsettled. My desires for my faith have changed therefore so have my daily actions, moods, and decisions. I wanna be something different. I want more from almost every aspect of my life.
I want more depth from my friendships but am not willing to put all the effort into creating it with any current friendships that currently lack it. I want to have friendships where it's the natural default to love, encourage, seek humility and daily sacrifices. I want to be surrounded by hearts that see the children of God for who they are and give love to the ones that don't have any.
I have seen what I believe are the gifts of my spirit and I want to use them, and if I can't use them to the full potential right now I don't want to fake it through something else, possibly just to make myself feel better. I was made to sacrifice for those who have already lost something or everything, for those who are too dirty for the woman next to me to love. (I'm able to because of the power that Christ gives me) What my heart desires is not to fake a love that comes easy to me, but a love that forces me to push myself aside and look through the eyes of Christ. I can do the easy love, but I'm absolutely tired of it.
It may be bold speech but I feel like I'm called out of a social time right now. These last 6 years I have given up almost everything to be around those I love, to do a ministry I was and currently am in love with. But if I may speak on His behalf, I believe God's allowing me to focus on Him, who He is, and what He wants me to be. In order for me to use what He's given me, I need to be selfish and reserve my time for school, Him, and a small handful of extraneous life activities.
I fed up with this life that I see myself and others walking around in. We live in a tunnel that has us looking through it, only to see our own face staring straight back. We are the beginning and the end. That thought makes me sick, and I'm the cause of my own illness. So here's my statement desiring change.
I want to get to a place where He teaches me how to seek out those He calls me to, those that He calls us to. I can't stand the shallow comments, judgments, and preconceived notions that exit the mouths of myself and my peers.
Matthew 15:8-9
8 “‘This people honors me with their lips,
but their heart is far from me;
9 in vain do they worship me,
teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.’”
I believe that we've come to a place where our own decisions, will, and actions are held as doctrines. We trust ourselves too much. We give ourselves too much credit. We believe the life that we're leading is enough, that we're worshiping correctly, that we're loving each other enough. It's all in vain. Our lips speak love but our heart show contempt and selfishness.
As I say "our" I think mine. I know it's my heart, my mouth, and my will. But here I am, seeking. That's all we can do is seek. Know that we are not enough. Not now, not ever. But He will always be our All.
So here I am on my journey. I'm searching for the Christ that designed me and at the same time the Julie that he designed. I'm getting hurt on the way, and my sinful heart will hurt others on the way, but I won't stop seeking. His Love is too great to ignore and I want it. Maybe once I get it I'll learn how to give it out.
1 comment:
This is so true...we go through lives with so much trust in ourselves. On one hand, it's great, we feel we know who we are, maybe it just gives us some comfort because deep down we know we don't have total control, but He does. We make our version, but at the end of the day its a mind game we play with ourselves; God has our life completely in His hands. It's so sad to see we (me) wrapped in me sometimes and I feel it's the battle that I will never win, I will never be a good enough worshiper, follower so I give up. I hear Him though reminding me that, 'Yes. I will never be perfect in that way, but to give up is to give up on His love and the sacrafice He layed out to us'. Such a constant internal battle. But it has to be fought.
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