Africa

So perhaps comes the time when the weight of some things feel heavy. Blogging from an African internet cafe. Not blogging on my other website because 3 posts in the last few days will just be overwhelming, to others and mostly to me.

The last 24 hours I've been sitting a lot. Hanging out at home, sitting on the internet, sitting with the family. A few different conversations have been had between myself and the parents of the home. All have been heavy. I don't even think they've realized that. All in all right now my heart is heavy, for this very moment.

Heavy for numerous reasons;

Heavy for the politics of Tanzania. It is corrupt to say the least. The money goes and stays with the rich. Tanzania has Gold, Tanzanite, and Diamonds. The people are poor, the politicians are rich. They play with the money of the people. The streets are lined with people selling produce, used shoes, bags, anything they have. All trying to make enough money for them and their families to eat.

My heart is heavy for the children that come to my house to ask Papa and Mama Bille (the grandparents) for money to attend school. Papa Bille is a village Coucillor so he is well known and respected in the community.Good and bad about that is people come to him for help. He has to write letters to schools asking them to allow the fees of certain children to be excused. They want to attend school but their parents can't afford it. On Wednesday a boy is coming to get money from Papa Bille for a school uniform so he can go to class. Papa Bille gets paid for being in a meeting all day on Wednesday, he's giving that pay to the boy. He gets paid 80 US dollars a month to be a councillor.

I walk around with a pocketful of money not knowing what to do with it. What do you do with it? Where does it go? My prayer now is that God shows me where to be used. It's hard feeling like I am here to be used, but I don't know how or where. I tried to keep my expectations for this trip unpinpointed, but I am constantly trying to pinpoint it. At home it seems like I look like some sort of saint. People don't want to complain about life at home when I'm seeing such different things. I see them, but for now that's all I'm doing, is just seeing them. My presence here doesn't solve anything. Do I expect it to? Maybe.

People assume that all white people are rich. Some come straight up to me and ask for money. Do I encourage that assumption and give them a few US Dollars? Or do I wait and see if God places other bigger, more tangible opportunities in my way.

Flipside. I leave in a month. Anything I do is temporary. Does that mean I don't do anything? Does that mean I do everythign I can for a month? When I leave so does the temporary assistance? Right now do I feel like I want to solve an entire continents problems? Yup. Is any of this realistic? Nope. I know that.

Like always, my internet time is running out. I continue to thank God for my health. Yesterday I had a sore throat but I rested and it's better now. Sore throat I was happy to get. The thing you don't want to get in Tanzania is a fever. Fever is the beginning of many possibilities that aren't so fun.

Praying that God places and keeps those things/people on my heart that His heart is inclined to. I'm not here to parade the things. I'm here to be the ears for God to speak. Hands to act. Or maybe just a heart to listen. I have no idea.

Hmmm, Africa. Who knew huh?

Rise

I was getting tired of not being tired, so I'm up blogging.

It's always quite intimidating blogging after it's been awhile. Where do I start? What do I care enough to blog about? This session is a frustrating one. I'm left helpless.

I'm coming to the point of truly having to live out the words, "I will wait for the right man." Seems childish, kind of like I'm at a teenage sleepover. Sitting around with a group of friends talking about the fairytales and all proclaiming how we will be with the perfect man. Well, it's easy to dream when no one's asking you to make any choices. Now I have to start choosing. I'm faced with some great men, at the same time I'm faced with having to push them aside for the one that truly seeks the Lord. The one that I know will seek the Lord with me. The one thing in my life that I live for is being on this journey with Jesus. The second thing is finding a man who will live that out right beside me. Taking the lead when need be and leading myself and our children into lives that exist to praise the One who has loved us first.

I don't search for the will to wait for the right man. The Lord has placed that in my heart and brought me to places in life that allow me to trust. Trust that I will not be able to walk down an aisle towards anyone else but him. That's not the hard part, the hard part is all the in between time and emotion.

The emotion and the hurt of feeling like I should be attending 'that' event with someone to sit next to. Someone who will be the one I'm really glad to be spending time with, although in the presence of many others. The strife of straining through all the "others." The could be's.....The might be's.....The ones that I allow my brain to begin seeking, even if my heart hasn't given the go ahead. The one's who will occupy my mind although I know they will never fully occupy that same heart.

Do I stray from all the others while waiting for him, or is he to be found on that same path towards the wrong "one?" How can I trust that the Lord knows exactly the path I need to take to find him while I'm still scared every step taken may be a step away from his divine intentions for me, for us.

He (Jesus) is all I need. He is my sustainer. He gives me a joy that will last and cover over my entire life. I don't believe my desires would feel so juggled if I didn't feel as if my future with that someone is so close. My yearning to be a wife and a mother is something that goes beyond what my earthly intentions and desires are.  They are God given so I will allow God to give them. Give the blessings to me, in His time, in His way. It seems the Spirit just brought me to my own conclusion. :-)

I deserve none of the things I hope for. With that, I want nothing of the above mentioned unless it leads to complete glory to God. I want my-yet to be named family and husband to only be a more distinct and detailed opportunity to show what Jesus' love looks like. A love that is full. A love that is perfect. A love that is sought after and fought for.

Jesus is the only true example of those things but in His grace he offers us pieces of it. Our God loves perfectly. No matter what step I take, My God loves me perfectly while I continuously love him imperfectly.  This is the God I serve, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Dress us up.

I wrote this as I was flying to Atlanta. I think about death every time I fly. I'm not afraid to fly, it's just reality. I pictured the plane starting to free fall and these thoughts came after that wonderful and uplifting visualization. Oh, and apparently I try to rhyme sometimes.



If the air beneath this plane disappears,
If I find my lungs gasping for air.
If I think I'm moments away from the Son,

I will hold on to the words; Your will be done,

      and I will not fear.

When I see the faces terrified from what's been done,
When I see the world and what it's become

       I will not fear.

If I never find my one and "only,"
When the world tries to tell me I'm lonely,
If I never witness them realize the cross that you had to bare,

      I will not fear.

You've given me a lifetime worth of answers,
You've shown me a worth and joy that will never be matched.

You've endured it all, for my sake.
You've given me a joy that this world cannot shake.
Your precious and perfect body was ruined, so I could come near.

Because of this, I will not fear.



 

Dearly Loved.

Every week the taste of a wine soaked wafer on my tongue makes my legs weak and my heart ache. As I hear and feel the wafer crack under the weight of my jaw I think about His body. That's the part that makes my legs weak. As I taste the wine I know that His blood is the sacrifice that supplies my joy and my victory. That's the part that makes my heart ache.

My 24th birthday was on the 19th. Most of that day was spent thinking about how old I was. In 3rd grade we filled out a list of our life plans for our 20's. I'm pretty sure I had a few things on that list that I planned on accomplishing by this age but haven't quite yet done so. Don't tell my teacher...

I wouldn't have said this a year ago, but I'll say it now, I have regrets. But in those regrets I think of the things that I was doing while not finishing my degree....

        A. Spending 3.5 months in North Carolina with my cousins who absolutely stole my heart and continue to do so with every interaction.
        B. Spending the same months in North Carolina where I spent my time getting to know who I am, how God made me, and what I'm to do with all that.
        C. Spending 2 months in Atlanta where I found out I can make it anywhere because God is my supplier and is always at my side.
        D. Being a committed (and at times not so committed) Young Life leader. Discovering how to constantly serve and give of myself. Spending time surrounded by people who showed me what it's like to truly love Jesus.
        E. Community. Diving head first into friendships and conversations. Being challenged and challenging those I love.
        F. Relationships, 2 of em. Learning. Learning that I go all in. I'm quick to sacrifice who I am and what I want to accomplish. When it comes to someone I care about if they need something from me, I give it. I haven't decided to be more selfish, I'm happy with my willingness to be selfless and committed. I've just learned that the next time I do that it needs to be with someone who won't allow me to sacrifice the things that are essential to who I am.
        G. Traveling. Going places and experiencing people. Realizing that every interaction with another person is an opportunity for me to benefit their life and them to change mine.
        H. Nannying. A lot of nannying. I have a deep set love of children. In my quest for a husband, being confident that he'll be a good father will be the thing that drives me to the man God has for me.


In conclusion I'm old and biting my nails till the day I get into nursing school. God is good and He hasn't allowed my wasted days to go, well, wasted.

I'm choosing to lay off facebook and fill that time with my heart. My heart being an all encompassing term for me and Jesus. This will most likely lead to more blog posts. Jesus makes me think and if you've ever met me you know that if I think, I speak.


    

Pocket Knife.

It seems like the images that keep cycling through my head are the ones that belong in a song. Seeing that I have no rhythm or melody in anywhere except my headphones I'll save the work and put in onto my keyboard.

Seems like the man that I wanted to influence me least because I didn't know where his heart lay, still got himself into my DNA more than I knew.

I watched as his wife of 60 years kissed him on the forehead, as I had done moments before, told him goodbye. The words muttered were out of my range and it seems as if I wanted to keep it that way. Maybe promises that won't be broken, or words of comfort. Security in finding herself a new life that will take care of her the same way he had for the decades before.

Death is a funny thing, it forces as much impact on you as you let it. To sit and think about what you'll be missing is your choice. To bring up memories, keep pictures displayed, is a decision. I choose to keep the images because I think with everything that makes you grieve, there are 3 things behind it to make you learn. Learn to be better somehow, for someone. The lessons that they may not have spoken will be ringing loud in your ears.

I choose to remember everything. The feel of his signature sweater on his back when I hugged him goodbye, knowing that's exactly what it would be. The same texture touching my fingers as I grazed his arm as he lay quiet. Not knowing how much I wanted to feel. The cold skin and bone touching my lips as I wished serenity upon him. Hours before the family gathered and my words were the only ones coupled the one who carried no weight to them. Is this how they saw me? Is this how they saw him? Is this how they see Him?

We chose his faith for him. Those that want an easy way out will give credit to his heart and integrity as his ticket. For myself I call it a secret. I fear of falling into the pattern and category of those that blasphemy His name. It may be years or eternity until I know the answer but we all say what we want someone to tell us one day.

Nowhere to go, everyone to see.

I won't type much because sleep is long over due.

But the thoughts of two worlds colliding and fighting is overwhelming my brain and I think these thoughts need to go somewhere.

I feel as if I don't belong to either, I don't understand either, yet I belong in both and completely comprehend both. Why is my life full of paradoxes?

I analyze, analyze, and over analyze others. I'm grateful for this at times, and at other times I spite it. I see motivations and vulnerability that others don't want shown. Because of this my heart is constantly struggling.

I know the way we look, and I know the way in which we make you feel. I see the condescension that we present and the judgments we knowingly pass. I understand that we place ourselves above you which makes it near impossible to see any love. I comprehend that you don't understand our desires and the fact that they have true depths. I see you living for the shallow pits that the world feeds you, I see your happiness in the moments, but your confusion at the end of a phase. I don't always know how to love you when the things I love most about you are the things you have yet to realize. We are fighting an uphill battle. You assume that we will be against you, and we usually don't have the will or common sense to fight against that.

You are my brothers and sisters but at times I am ashamed. I see your love for the man who created our lives, but fail to see the lessons that He's taught. We want to see the world change, but will not make the first move. This world is like a presentation and we're left sitting in the peanut gallery waiting to boo and hiss. This obligation is a gift. These desires are a blessing. We get to know the man that placed those words in your mouth, but will stop you before we get to hear them. We want to love you, we have been given the greatest love of all, but how do we love the ones who assume our motives are false?

If there was a middle paragraph that's where I belong. I see the lovers and the world and I understand why their eyes fall on us like they do and I'm left speechless. I see the lovers of Christ and search for ways to allow for this unspeakable gift we've been given to be given to others. I don't really like where I am right now but I like what I'm learning from it. I love both, and I hate both. I want to sympathize, but I don't want to rationalize. My heart is turning cold because I don't know how to fully belong to either group. I know the only place I truly belong is in His glory, doing things in His name. Not because it's what I'm told to do, but because it's my JOY. How does the world so quickly turn my joy to it's demise?

Analyze, analyze, and over analyze. I just want to rest in the only place that feels normal.

Him and me, Creator and child, Lover and loveless, Sinless and sinful, Father and daughter, Strong and weak, Beginning to End, and the in between, Perfection and needy, Whole and broken, The Completed and the barely even started.........

Clocks

Oh man, this is gonna be interesting.

It's been two months since my last post and in most ways my heart is in the same place. It's in an uncomfortable place, which is really kind of annoying if you ask me.

I'm still wanting to seek truth, honesty, and love. Truth for my life, for others' lives, and for anyone who thinks seeking Christ is worth its weight. Honesty. Honesty to speak what's on my heart, what this truth means to me, and hear what the truth means to you. Honesty to respond to others in a way that is best for them and in the way Jesus wants me to. Love. Love in my pursuit of truth and honesty.

I'm more self-aware of myself than I ever have been before, I think in a few months or years, at the rate I'm going, I'll see what I learning from this. Right now it honestly just makes me dislike myself. Ah sin.....I hate you. I'm wondering if the things I've started to realize about myself are things that have always been ingrained in who I am, or if they're habits and thoughts that I'm just now starting to pick up.

Everyday I go through possible explanations behind my motives and why I think the way I do.
Am I yearning for the love of Christ?
Of course, I'll never figure out how much He loves me. In my life, I know love by what I'm able to give, I can't give what He does, so therefore I remain, in part, numb to His feelings for me. With this said, I do feel like He's had His eye on me from the start. The Spirit was something that I never really had to figure out, it came to me. As soon as I started reading scriptures, there it(He) was. He has kept me within His reach for my entire life. I am chosen and in this I can understand love. I don't feel like I'm loosing it, I never did anything to deserve it in the first place so how can I loose it? I don't think this is the reasoning for my discomfort. His love is the joy that overcomes me so much so that I feel as if my body is not able to contain it. (Literally...it's weird. Weirdly awesome)

Am I really just a selfish piece of crap who is judgmental and will never find anyone good enough?
Of course. I'm all of the above. I have earthly tendencies that I've been given throughout my life, and some that I myself am responsible for. My thoughts are gross, sinful, and impair my ability to love. I find the areas that others fall short before I see successes. At some point this got worse. At some point I decided that I can make a blanket statement about a person and it would prove itself true. I think that I'm able to do things better. My childhood and how I was raised plays a role in this. I was raised with confidence that I can do things great, and was given some skills to be able to do so. I was also raised with a constant reminder that we were to do things on a certain level, a level that others did not live up to. I'm not trying to shift blame, this is who I am, and I've kept it. But honestly at the the root of who I am, I can say for only one reason, that I'm a humble person. I know that who I am, what I can do, what I've been given, and that every fiber of anything good or decent I have has been given to me by Christ. I say this without any hesitation. I was given great parents and everything else that makes me who I am. While my comparisons make everything look cloudy, I am nothing on my own, and I know this. I know this all just sounded like justification of me being judgmental, I don't want it to, but I don't know how else to explain myself.


I sit here and don't want to write anymore. With every word I'm a hypocrite because as I write in attempt to explain my dissatisfaction with the world, I become more and more dissatisfied with myself. I feel like I've been gifts. Some in my personality and skills. One of those skills I've been given is being able to understand people. I'm able to see some of their needs and how exactly I can meet those. I also have witnessed others with these gifts abuse them dramatically. Now I'm afraid to use them for fear of abusing them for my own gain. Jesus has given me insight, now I have to figure out how to not use that as manipulation.

It's been easier to just stay outside of it all. I want Jesus to change the world, and I want Him to use me, but I don't want to end up "using Jesus."

I don't want to speak up, but I can't stay quiet.
I don't want to leave, but I feel like there's so much more for me.
I don't want to give up, but I don't know how I should keep going.
I'll never feel like it's enough, because it never will be. Is there peace in that?
I want people to realize there's so much more, but I can't figure out how to find that yet myself.
I would love to know that I'm capable of being a martyr for the name of Jesus, but I'm not sure if my faith has every truly been tested.
I don't want to come across wrong in what I do, so I end up doing nothing.....





Welcome to my brain, you'll love it here....... :-P