Okay, so it got tough.
Last night was probably the hardest night since I've arrived here. I can't even tell you why. But I'll try.
I have my two worlds, my life here is expanding, I'm gaining new friendships which are growing and the opportunities to get to know people keep getting stronger and stronger. While on the other side, my Az life felt like it was diminishing. It's hard to keep in contact with legitimate conversation when I have have 2 children desperately seeking my attention every moment I'm with them, and when I'm not with them I'm at Ruby Tuesday's. When I'm not in either of those two situations I want to just sit still with music, reading, or I have work I need to get done. So it leaves me feeling like I'm constantly achieving nothing with those I love most.
Friendships here are getting good. Which is nice, but uneasy. Uneasy because it feels pointless to establish them, leaves me unsure of what the goal is. This fact pushes me away from strengthening them. But unfortunately I'm a social person so they are growing anyways. In the growth of new friendships I experience the world. And I experience the earths' raw view of me, sometimes not attractive. My bubble...I really need these moments of getting out of my comfort bubble even thought they're painful at times.
Home is moving without me. I find myself being anxious about my visit in a week. I'm not sure how I'll feel when I'm home, how sensitive my emotions will be towards my friends. I'm afraid of being selfish, afraid that I will feel a sense of entitlement of time and people. The fact that friendships have been forming and deteriorating for 2 months without me seeing may leave me off guard and surprised. Along with all that after a week I will be returning for 2 more months, and I have no idea how I'll feel when I walk back away from everyone and onto the plane.
Please don't misunderstand, this is what God does, this is what life does, it teaches, and I'm learning. I'm good, I truly am. But I feel to get what I'm supposed to out of this experience in my life I have to acknowledge the trials to figure out the victories.
Let me end with this, God is powerful. I love that in my moments of desperation I literally find myself on the ground in the darkness because at that moment I need to hear His peace. And I always do, it's ridiculous, but I always do. Prayers are being answered and I'm continually feeling convicted by His spirit to lead me into different thoughts, conversations, and decisions. I'm so grateful to have a God that knows what I need when I don't.
1 week...... :-D
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Psalm 119:16
I've been here for 7 weeks and when I return from my visit home I will have 5 more left.
In a lot of ways I've been disappointed, but only in myself. I convinced myself that if I grew spiritually in great ways than it would all be worth it. But it would be hard to say that I have. I've grown spiritually in the same ways that I would have grown at home. The worldly experiences have shown me a lot about my spiritual life, so in some ways I have grown much differently because of being here.
I have been timid. I have sat in between a spot of wanting to make sure this feels LIKE home, but not allowing it to be my home. Its been a weird in between. I have shy'ed from friendships and relationships here for fear that they would not be adequate and make me miss the friendships at home. And I have also shy'ed from friendships of home for fear of not gaining from this experience of tranquility what I should be.
I've spent so much time trying to manipulate the time that I haven't allowed the time to manipulate me....I'm so afraid of getting homesick that I've controlled almost every environment I could. (which isn't many)
I did something social today...crazy huh? I went to church and lunch with a friend I met here and the conversation brought up some points that made me think. We talked about the dynamics of relationships and how we live in an age that is afraid to pick up the phone instead of sending a text. When we pick up the phone we put ourselves in a position to have awkward moments, irrational words, and unprepared answers. With a text message, facebook chat, and e-mail we get to plan it all out. We get to make sure our words are going out exactly how we want them to, and in a way that best beneifits us, no awkward moments, no tough and honest responses. (if we don't want to)
We also talked about the moment. Being in the moment of life but allowing ourselves to look back into the experiences we've had, some we would not like to look back into. He's a songwriter and does exactly that, looks back into the bad. This has been something I've struggled with. I don't want to be back in those moments/in those emotions. I want to hold on to the lessons but lose the emotion. Life is fast, and sometimes the snapshots may be the things that make it all worth it.
For the amount of love I have for Christ the amount of time I spend reading the greatest book He's given us is pitiful. Honestly utterly embarrassing. I would admit to very few people the statistics of my faith, because in my eyes it doesn't reflect my desires. It doesn't reflect how much I'm learning for walking behind Him as a follower. Also spurred from our lunch conversation is how much information is thrown at us. I have every answer I'd ever want available to me. I am constantly being taught by the internet, podcasts, church services, His Spirit and personal conversations with friends. This is a downfall in my heart that allows me to think that I'm learning what and how much I should be.
But I always have one little book sitting right next to me which is the last thing in that list from above that I turn to. That book is always within reach, I make sure of it. But it's pointless to have something within reach if you never reach for it...
Off to the Ruby Tuesday..I just had to kick Isaac out of my room so I could write this...Now I feel like a bad Tante' for ignoring him for 10 minutes. (Welcome to my life)
Psalm 119:16
In a lot of ways I've been disappointed, but only in myself. I convinced myself that if I grew spiritually in great ways than it would all be worth it. But it would be hard to say that I have. I've grown spiritually in the same ways that I would have grown at home. The worldly experiences have shown me a lot about my spiritual life, so in some ways I have grown much differently because of being here.
I have been timid. I have sat in between a spot of wanting to make sure this feels LIKE home, but not allowing it to be my home. Its been a weird in between. I have shy'ed from friendships and relationships here for fear that they would not be adequate and make me miss the friendships at home. And I have also shy'ed from friendships of home for fear of not gaining from this experience of tranquility what I should be.
I've spent so much time trying to manipulate the time that I haven't allowed the time to manipulate me....I'm so afraid of getting homesick that I've controlled almost every environment I could. (which isn't many)
I did something social today...crazy huh? I went to church and lunch with a friend I met here and the conversation brought up some points that made me think. We talked about the dynamics of relationships and how we live in an age that is afraid to pick up the phone instead of sending a text. When we pick up the phone we put ourselves in a position to have awkward moments, irrational words, and unprepared answers. With a text message, facebook chat, and e-mail we get to plan it all out. We get to make sure our words are going out exactly how we want them to, and in a way that best beneifits us, no awkward moments, no tough and honest responses. (if we don't want to)
We also talked about the moment. Being in the moment of life but allowing ourselves to look back into the experiences we've had, some we would not like to look back into. He's a songwriter and does exactly that, looks back into the bad. This has been something I've struggled with. I don't want to be back in those moments/in those emotions. I want to hold on to the lessons but lose the emotion. Life is fast, and sometimes the snapshots may be the things that make it all worth it.
For the amount of love I have for Christ the amount of time I spend reading the greatest book He's given us is pitiful. Honestly utterly embarrassing. I would admit to very few people the statistics of my faith, because in my eyes it doesn't reflect my desires. It doesn't reflect how much I'm learning for walking behind Him as a follower. Also spurred from our lunch conversation is how much information is thrown at us. I have every answer I'd ever want available to me. I am constantly being taught by the internet, podcasts, church services, His Spirit and personal conversations with friends. This is a downfall in my heart that allows me to think that I'm learning what and how much I should be.
But I always have one little book sitting right next to me which is the last thing in that list from above that I turn to. That book is always within reach, I make sure of it. But it's pointless to have something within reach if you never reach for it...
Off to the Ruby Tuesday..I just had to kick Isaac out of my room so I could write this...Now I feel like a bad Tante' for ignoring him for 10 minutes. (Welcome to my life)
Psalm 119:16
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Red, Right, and Blue
I'm so frustrated that I've written probably about 6 paragraphs and erased them all. This is what it comes down to; Are we loving with a love of Christ?
I can't see Christs' love anywhere. Not even in myself. I'm angry. I love a Christ that has been ruined by the mouths of His people. I love a Christ that people find so unlovable because of the hypocrites who worship Him. Those that I hope for the most may never admit to a emptiness they feel because our righteous Body has sat here waiting to tell them how wrong they are. We're all wrong. We're so very wrong. Shoot, we even have believers that will boast on their failures just to be able to rationalize and exploit this Grace that we're given. Not only boast in it, but LIVE in it., swim in it, worship in it. We're not to be Children who look for our faults so that that we can find acceptance in them. We're to be children who love their savior so deeply that it physically pains us to take one step away from our God.
But we're not. We're Christians who find a soap box to stand on as we look down at all those below us, because of course, everyone's below us...We find time for our latte dates and group events, but not for truly loving someone that we don't want to love, yet needs it. You think Christ wants to truly love us all the time? He does, it is His will, but does he WANT to? I wouldn't.
I am righteous, ignorant, boastful, judgmental, and proud. And the funny thing is I think I deserve this life I've been given. The funny thing is I don't know what it would look like to truly live a life in His will. I'm sick of Red and Blue. Both sides exist for merely remaining on their side so that they're far enough to throw something across in hopes of injuring the opposition, whether it in words, actions, or silence.
I am grateful for our new president. I am grateful that I trust that He is a man of faith who attempts to understand why we urn to stay divided. But I hate what this election has brought out in people, including myself. Who are we and why did he decide to send....us? Doesn't He know how bad we mess things up?
I can't see Christs' love anywhere. Not even in myself. I'm angry. I love a Christ that has been ruined by the mouths of His people. I love a Christ that people find so unlovable because of the hypocrites who worship Him. Those that I hope for the most may never admit to a emptiness they feel because our righteous Body has sat here waiting to tell them how wrong they are. We're all wrong. We're so very wrong. Shoot, we even have believers that will boast on their failures just to be able to rationalize and exploit this Grace that we're given. Not only boast in it, but LIVE in it., swim in it, worship in it. We're not to be Children who look for our faults so that that we can find acceptance in them. We're to be children who love their savior so deeply that it physically pains us to take one step away from our God.
But we're not. We're Christians who find a soap box to stand on as we look down at all those below us, because of course, everyone's below us...We find time for our latte dates and group events, but not for truly loving someone that we don't want to love, yet needs it. You think Christ wants to truly love us all the time? He does, it is His will, but does he WANT to? I wouldn't.
I am righteous, ignorant, boastful, judgmental, and proud. And the funny thing is I think I deserve this life I've been given. The funny thing is I don't know what it would look like to truly live a life in His will. I'm sick of Red and Blue. Both sides exist for merely remaining on their side so that they're far enough to throw something across in hopes of injuring the opposition, whether it in words, actions, or silence.
I am grateful for our new president. I am grateful that I trust that He is a man of faith who attempts to understand why we urn to stay divided. But I hate what this election has brought out in people, including myself. Who are we and why did he decide to send....us? Doesn't He know how bad we mess things up?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)