Psalm 119:16

I've been here for 7 weeks and when I return from my visit home I will have 5 more left.

In a lot of ways I've been disappointed, but only in myself. I convinced myself that if I grew spiritually in great ways than it would all be worth it. But it would be hard to say that I have. I've grown spiritually in the same ways that I would have grown at home. The worldly experiences have shown me a lot about my spiritual life, so in some ways I have grown much differently because of being here.

I have been timid. I have sat in between a spot of wanting to make sure this feels LIKE home, but not allowing it to be my home. Its been a weird in between. I have shy'ed from friendships and relationships here for fear that they would not be adequate and make me miss the friendships at home. And I have also shy'ed from friendships of home for fear of not gaining from this experience of tranquility what I should be.

I've spent so much time trying to manipulate the time that I haven't allowed the time to manipulate me....I'm so afraid of getting homesick that I've controlled almost every environment I could. (which isn't many)

I did something social today...crazy huh? I went to church and lunch with a friend I met here and the conversation brought up some points that made me think. We talked about the dynamics of relationships and how we live in an age that is afraid to pick up the phone instead of sending a text. When we pick up the phone we put ourselves in a position to have awkward moments, irrational words, and unprepared answers. With a text message, facebook chat, and e-mail we get to plan it all out. We get to make sure our words are going out exactly how we want them to, and in a way that best beneifits us, no awkward moments, no tough and honest responses. (if we don't want to)

We also talked about the moment. Being in the moment of life but allowing ourselves to look back into the experiences we've had, some we would not like to look back into. He's a songwriter and does exactly that, looks back into the bad. This has been something I've struggled with. I don't want to be back in those moments/in those emotions. I want to hold on to the lessons but lose the emotion. Life is fast, and sometimes the snapshots may be the things that make it all worth it.

For the amount of love I have for Christ the amount of time I spend reading the greatest book He's given us is pitiful. Honestly utterly embarrassing. I would admit to very few people the statistics of my faith, because in my eyes it doesn't reflect my desires. It doesn't reflect how much I'm learning for walking behind Him as a follower. Also spurred from our lunch conversation is how much information is thrown at us. I have every answer I'd ever want available to me. I am constantly being taught by the internet, podcasts, church services, His Spirit and personal conversations with friends. This is a downfall in my heart that allows me to think that I'm learning what and how much I should be.

But I always have one little book sitting right next to me which is the last thing in that list from above that I turn to. That book is always within reach, I make sure of it. But it's pointless to have something within reach if you never reach for it...

Off to the Ruby Tuesday..I just had to kick Isaac out of my room so I could write this...Now I feel like a bad Tante' for ignoring him for 10 minutes. (Welcome to my life)


Psalm 119:16