Pocket Knife.

It seems like the images that keep cycling through my head are the ones that belong in a song. Seeing that I have no rhythm or melody in anywhere except my headphones I'll save the work and put in onto my keyboard.

Seems like the man that I wanted to influence me least because I didn't know where his heart lay, still got himself into my DNA more than I knew.

I watched as his wife of 60 years kissed him on the forehead, as I had done moments before, told him goodbye. The words muttered were out of my range and it seems as if I wanted to keep it that way. Maybe promises that won't be broken, or words of comfort. Security in finding herself a new life that will take care of her the same way he had for the decades before.

Death is a funny thing, it forces as much impact on you as you let it. To sit and think about what you'll be missing is your choice. To bring up memories, keep pictures displayed, is a decision. I choose to keep the images because I think with everything that makes you grieve, there are 3 things behind it to make you learn. Learn to be better somehow, for someone. The lessons that they may not have spoken will be ringing loud in your ears.

I choose to remember everything. The feel of his signature sweater on his back when I hugged him goodbye, knowing that's exactly what it would be. The same texture touching my fingers as I grazed his arm as he lay quiet. Not knowing how much I wanted to feel. The cold skin and bone touching my lips as I wished serenity upon him. Hours before the family gathered and my words were the only ones coupled the one who carried no weight to them. Is this how they saw me? Is this how they saw him? Is this how they see Him?

We chose his faith for him. Those that want an easy way out will give credit to his heart and integrity as his ticket. For myself I call it a secret. I fear of falling into the pattern and category of those that blasphemy His name. It may be years or eternity until I know the answer but we all say what we want someone to tell us one day.

Nowhere to go, everyone to see.

I won't type much because sleep is long over due.

But the thoughts of two worlds colliding and fighting is overwhelming my brain and I think these thoughts need to go somewhere.

I feel as if I don't belong to either, I don't understand either, yet I belong in both and completely comprehend both. Why is my life full of paradoxes?

I analyze, analyze, and over analyze others. I'm grateful for this at times, and at other times I spite it. I see motivations and vulnerability that others don't want shown. Because of this my heart is constantly struggling.

I know the way we look, and I know the way in which we make you feel. I see the condescension that we present and the judgments we knowingly pass. I understand that we place ourselves above you which makes it near impossible to see any love. I comprehend that you don't understand our desires and the fact that they have true depths. I see you living for the shallow pits that the world feeds you, I see your happiness in the moments, but your confusion at the end of a phase. I don't always know how to love you when the things I love most about you are the things you have yet to realize. We are fighting an uphill battle. You assume that we will be against you, and we usually don't have the will or common sense to fight against that.

You are my brothers and sisters but at times I am ashamed. I see your love for the man who created our lives, but fail to see the lessons that He's taught. We want to see the world change, but will not make the first move. This world is like a presentation and we're left sitting in the peanut gallery waiting to boo and hiss. This obligation is a gift. These desires are a blessing. We get to know the man that placed those words in your mouth, but will stop you before we get to hear them. We want to love you, we have been given the greatest love of all, but how do we love the ones who assume our motives are false?

If there was a middle paragraph that's where I belong. I see the lovers and the world and I understand why their eyes fall on us like they do and I'm left speechless. I see the lovers of Christ and search for ways to allow for this unspeakable gift we've been given to be given to others. I don't really like where I am right now but I like what I'm learning from it. I love both, and I hate both. I want to sympathize, but I don't want to rationalize. My heart is turning cold because I don't know how to fully belong to either group. I know the only place I truly belong is in His glory, doing things in His name. Not because it's what I'm told to do, but because it's my JOY. How does the world so quickly turn my joy to it's demise?

Analyze, analyze, and over analyze. I just want to rest in the only place that feels normal.

Him and me, Creator and child, Lover and loveless, Sinless and sinful, Father and daughter, Strong and weak, Beginning to End, and the in between, Perfection and needy, Whole and broken, The Completed and the barely even started.........

Clocks

Oh man, this is gonna be interesting.

It's been two months since my last post and in most ways my heart is in the same place. It's in an uncomfortable place, which is really kind of annoying if you ask me.

I'm still wanting to seek truth, honesty, and love. Truth for my life, for others' lives, and for anyone who thinks seeking Christ is worth its weight. Honesty. Honesty to speak what's on my heart, what this truth means to me, and hear what the truth means to you. Honesty to respond to others in a way that is best for them and in the way Jesus wants me to. Love. Love in my pursuit of truth and honesty.

I'm more self-aware of myself than I ever have been before, I think in a few months or years, at the rate I'm going, I'll see what I learning from this. Right now it honestly just makes me dislike myself. Ah sin.....I hate you. I'm wondering if the things I've started to realize about myself are things that have always been ingrained in who I am, or if they're habits and thoughts that I'm just now starting to pick up.

Everyday I go through possible explanations behind my motives and why I think the way I do.
Am I yearning for the love of Christ?
Of course, I'll never figure out how much He loves me. In my life, I know love by what I'm able to give, I can't give what He does, so therefore I remain, in part, numb to His feelings for me. With this said, I do feel like He's had His eye on me from the start. The Spirit was something that I never really had to figure out, it came to me. As soon as I started reading scriptures, there it(He) was. He has kept me within His reach for my entire life. I am chosen and in this I can understand love. I don't feel like I'm loosing it, I never did anything to deserve it in the first place so how can I loose it? I don't think this is the reasoning for my discomfort. His love is the joy that overcomes me so much so that I feel as if my body is not able to contain it. (Literally...it's weird. Weirdly awesome)

Am I really just a selfish piece of crap who is judgmental and will never find anyone good enough?
Of course. I'm all of the above. I have earthly tendencies that I've been given throughout my life, and some that I myself am responsible for. My thoughts are gross, sinful, and impair my ability to love. I find the areas that others fall short before I see successes. At some point this got worse. At some point I decided that I can make a blanket statement about a person and it would prove itself true. I think that I'm able to do things better. My childhood and how I was raised plays a role in this. I was raised with confidence that I can do things great, and was given some skills to be able to do so. I was also raised with a constant reminder that we were to do things on a certain level, a level that others did not live up to. I'm not trying to shift blame, this is who I am, and I've kept it. But honestly at the the root of who I am, I can say for only one reason, that I'm a humble person. I know that who I am, what I can do, what I've been given, and that every fiber of anything good or decent I have has been given to me by Christ. I say this without any hesitation. I was given great parents and everything else that makes me who I am. While my comparisons make everything look cloudy, I am nothing on my own, and I know this. I know this all just sounded like justification of me being judgmental, I don't want it to, but I don't know how else to explain myself.


I sit here and don't want to write anymore. With every word I'm a hypocrite because as I write in attempt to explain my dissatisfaction with the world, I become more and more dissatisfied with myself. I feel like I've been gifts. Some in my personality and skills. One of those skills I've been given is being able to understand people. I'm able to see some of their needs and how exactly I can meet those. I also have witnessed others with these gifts abuse them dramatically. Now I'm afraid to use them for fear of abusing them for my own gain. Jesus has given me insight, now I have to figure out how to not use that as manipulation.

It's been easier to just stay outside of it all. I want Jesus to change the world, and I want Him to use me, but I don't want to end up "using Jesus."

I don't want to speak up, but I can't stay quiet.
I don't want to leave, but I feel like there's so much more for me.
I don't want to give up, but I don't know how I should keep going.
I'll never feel like it's enough, because it never will be. Is there peace in that?
I want people to realize there's so much more, but I can't figure out how to find that yet myself.
I would love to know that I'm capable of being a martyr for the name of Jesus, but I'm not sure if my faith has every truly been tested.
I don't want to come across wrong in what I do, so I end up doing nothing.....





Welcome to my brain, you'll love it here....... :-P

Table for Two

Here are my thoughts for this "season" in my life;

Truth, implications if truth, grace, our view of grace, abuse of ignorance, acceptance, settling, contentment, selfishness, judgment, guilt, conviction, allowing ignorance, the truth of the Word, God's wrath, God's Love, Anger (ours and His), righteous anger, nonacceptance, obedience, His Truth.

I've wanted to blog on one or more of those words for the last little while, but I can never seem to rest in one thought about them and how they're all related. I believe these can all live in a symbiotic relationship with one another if we really want to see how.

But do we really want to? I think just taking one or two of those at a time into account for our life is what is more comfortable, we try to incorporate all of them into our lives and its scary and requires a response. Does that mean we shouldn't do it?

Silence

I haven't been okay being home.

Things in my heart have shifted, and it's leaving me unsettled. My desires for my faith have changed therefore so have my daily actions, moods, and decisions. I wanna be something different. I want more from almost every aspect of my life.

I want more depth from my friendships but am not willing to put all the effort into creating it with any current friendships that currently lack it. I want to have friendships where it's the natural default to love, encourage, seek humility and daily sacrifices. I want to be surrounded by hearts that see the children of God for who they are and give love to the ones that don't have any.

I have seen what I believe are the gifts of my spirit and I want to use them, and if I can't use them to the full potential right now I don't want to fake it through something else, possibly just to make myself feel better. I was made to sacrifice for those who have already lost something or everything, for those who are too dirty for the woman next to me to love. (I'm able to because of the power that Christ gives me) What my heart desires is not to fake a love that comes easy to me, but a love that forces me to push myself aside and look through the eyes of Christ. I can do the easy love, but I'm absolutely tired of it.

It may be bold speech but I feel like I'm called out of a social time right now. These last 6 years I have given up almost everything to be around those I love, to do a ministry I was and currently am in love with. But if I may speak on His behalf, I believe God's allowing me to focus on Him, who He is, and what He wants me to be. In order for me to use what He's given me, I need to be selfish and reserve my time for school, Him, and a small handful of extraneous life activities.

I fed up with this life that I see myself and others walking around in. We live in a tunnel that has us looking through it, only to see our own face staring straight back. We are the beginning and the end. That thought makes me sick, and I'm the cause of my own illness. So here's my statement desiring change.

I want to get to a place where He teaches me how to seek out those He calls me to, those that He calls us to. I can't stand the shallow comments, judgments, and preconceived notions that exit the mouths of myself and my peers.

Matthew 15:8-9

8 “‘This people honors me with their lips,
but their heart is far from me;
9 in vain do they worship me,
teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.’”

I believe that we've come to a place where our own decisions, will, and actions are held as doctrines. We trust ourselves too much. We give ourselves too much credit. We believe the life that we're leading is enough, that we're worshiping correctly, that we're loving each other enough. It's all in vain. Our lips speak love but our heart show contempt and selfishness.

As I say "our" I think mine. I know it's my heart, my mouth, and my will. But here I am, seeking. That's all we can do is seek. Know that we are not enough. Not now, not ever. But He will always be our All.

So here I am on my journey. I'm searching for the Christ that designed me and at the same time the Julie that he designed. I'm getting hurt on the way, and my sinful heart will hurt others on the way, but I won't stop seeking. His Love is too great to ignore and I want it. Maybe once I get it I'll learn how to give it out.

Take My Hand

Contentment; Good or bad?

I'm in an incredibly awkward place right now, so awkward that I feel as if I shouldn't be blogging. But when my thoughts stay in my brain they will fester. Festering leads to me feeling super uncomfortable and not being able to sleep, so for the sake of a good nights sleep here I go.

I've lost the ability to be content. I came home and have felt a lackluster set of emotions. At times I experience a happiness close to what I had before, but at most times it falls short. Maybe I'm more confused than I thought I would be. So many things became clear to me, but as that happened everything else got foggy. For four months I thought about how I can become better, how I can learn to love Jesus, others, and myself better. Being home means I need to follow through with everything. I'm so scared of failing. I'm so scared of my life becoming a routine of the same weaknesses showing themselves over and over again.

So I'm in charge of preventing this right? Why do I feel like I wanna give up already? The three options scare me; try hard and succeed; Don't try and fail; Try hard and fail. The last one scares me more than the others obviously. Which is weird, that's not my personality, (I didn't think)

I'm scared of repeating what I've failed at, and what has failed in the past. I've grown and learned a lot, but yet I seem to say that every time, so what's different this time?

The moments I feel happiest are the ones that scare me.

Maybe it's nice, perhaps I finally feel the hopelessness that we should always feel. Perhaps this brings me to falling on my knees and begging Christ for His strength and guidance, in my warped head my next thought is the possibility of me messing up the strength and guidance He gives me. The devil on my shoulder maybe winning this war tonight. Do I dare say that he's fighting harder than before? Freakin devil.....and everything that's not of Christ in that case.

I don't want to mess up what you provide Lord, but mostly I want to feel Your love and need Your Grace.

Then and only then I'll be okay.

Come All Ye Weary

Don't you think that if there's something that makes people want to change every single way in which they think, act, speak, react, love, and live there may be something to it? Nothing else on this earth has the power to do that to anyone, so maybe it's a power not provided by this earth.


The Lord fights for the oppressed, maybe we should too.

Ramble Jamble.

The tossing and turning
The moaning and groaning.
What makes you feel so settled in your disbelief?
What makes you feel complete?

You have no idea where you’re going or where you’ve been, yet you stay on the same winding path.
I tried to love but its been proven impossible.
Who’s made you feel so unlovable and unworthy?

I tried to show you worth, but you showed me dirt.
I cough, swallowed and continued to love.
You forced me out, and I wanted release.

I pray for you as you reach out to nothing.
Perhaps I’m being bold, but I’ve seen through you and your lies.
The lies you’ve believed about the world, and the lies you’ve believed about yourself.
The Truth will make you crumble, cry, and die.
Then you’ll become the one that is steady, and above all, loved.

He’s ready when you are, I won’t be there, but I hope with every ounce of my heart that you will be.

Marvelous Light

So here I sit. Midnight of the first day of 2009. I've felt such a itch to blog these last few days so mostly I'm blogging just to scratch that. I'm not sure of the content or purpose, so here's to me scratching.......

New Years this year has felt stupid. I think it's stupid that one day a year people think about how to improve their lives. People make decisions, some stick to them, some do not. But why on New Years? Why when the calendar year switches? Maybe it's freedom. Perhaps people feel like they're now given permission to stop, or change what they're doing, because the people around them are doing the same. There's release in knowing that even the clock is telling you to start over.

Weird thing though. We're lucky. We have that new start every time we open a bible, close our eyes, open our eyes, take a deep breath, or speak His name. We have it every minute of every day. In addition to having it whenever we want, we have the worlds' best workout, addiction, diet, physical, and emotional therapist to call on.

These last 3 months has been a constant over analysis of life, my life and the lives around me. Ironic that I happen to be coming home at the break of a new year, because that's what it feels like to me. I've reestablished my goals, and the passions behind them. I've been disappointed in myself and others. Being disappointed in others doesn't really help you in many specific ways, but finding disappointment in yourself, at the end of the day, is pretty sweet.

I know what I fail at, over and over, I fail.
I fail at being a responsible, worthy citizen, friend, student, tante', daughter, roommate, cousin, sister, follower of Christ, and any other category you can put me in. Believe me, when I say that, I've learned to believe it. Christ has given me the gift of good eyes. I can see others and myself a little bit clearer than I could without Him.

I want to blind my critiquing and judgmental sight. This is the hardest for me. I can't look at a person without analyzing and judging what are their truths, sincerity's, insincerity's and weaknesses are. There's this crazy righteousness that comes from being a human Christian. I say human Christian because as soon as we read Christ's words we learn it most certainly does not come from him. I posses that undeserved righteousness that spills into every conversation I have, and most times, it does not belong there.

I want to speak to someone without feeling like I'm talking at them, giving them unasked for advice or input. I have been given the gift of insight into others' lives and I want to use that the way Christ intends for me to. In every conversation regardless of what's on my selfish heart.

( I told you this was going to be a messy post, I could go on but I'll save the rest of my personal critiques for next post)

I still have unaswered questions that feel as if they're burning a hole into the side of my heart. I want to know if others I care for will experience the same redemption that I've been so graciously been given. I want to know what man will care for me as Christ has instructed him to. I want to succeed in illustrating the passions and skills that have been restored in me through my daily rebirths.

I need to go to bed. If you've made it to the end, God bless you, and I love you.

Happy New Year (minute/hour/second)!

You've just been given another minute, even more wait ahead of you, use them.

2 Corinthians 5:17
17Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

*I think maybe I was supposed to come here*