Silence

I haven't been okay being home.

Things in my heart have shifted, and it's leaving me unsettled. My desires for my faith have changed therefore so have my daily actions, moods, and decisions. I wanna be something different. I want more from almost every aspect of my life.

I want more depth from my friendships but am not willing to put all the effort into creating it with any current friendships that currently lack it. I want to have friendships where it's the natural default to love, encourage, seek humility and daily sacrifices. I want to be surrounded by hearts that see the children of God for who they are and give love to the ones that don't have any.

I have seen what I believe are the gifts of my spirit and I want to use them, and if I can't use them to the full potential right now I don't want to fake it through something else, possibly just to make myself feel better. I was made to sacrifice for those who have already lost something or everything, for those who are too dirty for the woman next to me to love. (I'm able to because of the power that Christ gives me) What my heart desires is not to fake a love that comes easy to me, but a love that forces me to push myself aside and look through the eyes of Christ. I can do the easy love, but I'm absolutely tired of it.

It may be bold speech but I feel like I'm called out of a social time right now. These last 6 years I have given up almost everything to be around those I love, to do a ministry I was and currently am in love with. But if I may speak on His behalf, I believe God's allowing me to focus on Him, who He is, and what He wants me to be. In order for me to use what He's given me, I need to be selfish and reserve my time for school, Him, and a small handful of extraneous life activities.

I fed up with this life that I see myself and others walking around in. We live in a tunnel that has us looking through it, only to see our own face staring straight back. We are the beginning and the end. That thought makes me sick, and I'm the cause of my own illness. So here's my statement desiring change.

I want to get to a place where He teaches me how to seek out those He calls me to, those that He calls us to. I can't stand the shallow comments, judgments, and preconceived notions that exit the mouths of myself and my peers.

Matthew 15:8-9

8 “‘This people honors me with their lips,
but their heart is far from me;
9 in vain do they worship me,
teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.’”

I believe that we've come to a place where our own decisions, will, and actions are held as doctrines. We trust ourselves too much. We give ourselves too much credit. We believe the life that we're leading is enough, that we're worshiping correctly, that we're loving each other enough. It's all in vain. Our lips speak love but our heart show contempt and selfishness.

As I say "our" I think mine. I know it's my heart, my mouth, and my will. But here I am, seeking. That's all we can do is seek. Know that we are not enough. Not now, not ever. But He will always be our All.

So here I am on my journey. I'm searching for the Christ that designed me and at the same time the Julie that he designed. I'm getting hurt on the way, and my sinful heart will hurt others on the way, but I won't stop seeking. His Love is too great to ignore and I want it. Maybe once I get it I'll learn how to give it out.

Take My Hand

Contentment; Good or bad?

I'm in an incredibly awkward place right now, so awkward that I feel as if I shouldn't be blogging. But when my thoughts stay in my brain they will fester. Festering leads to me feeling super uncomfortable and not being able to sleep, so for the sake of a good nights sleep here I go.

I've lost the ability to be content. I came home and have felt a lackluster set of emotions. At times I experience a happiness close to what I had before, but at most times it falls short. Maybe I'm more confused than I thought I would be. So many things became clear to me, but as that happened everything else got foggy. For four months I thought about how I can become better, how I can learn to love Jesus, others, and myself better. Being home means I need to follow through with everything. I'm so scared of failing. I'm so scared of my life becoming a routine of the same weaknesses showing themselves over and over again.

So I'm in charge of preventing this right? Why do I feel like I wanna give up already? The three options scare me; try hard and succeed; Don't try and fail; Try hard and fail. The last one scares me more than the others obviously. Which is weird, that's not my personality, (I didn't think)

I'm scared of repeating what I've failed at, and what has failed in the past. I've grown and learned a lot, but yet I seem to say that every time, so what's different this time?

The moments I feel happiest are the ones that scare me.

Maybe it's nice, perhaps I finally feel the hopelessness that we should always feel. Perhaps this brings me to falling on my knees and begging Christ for His strength and guidance, in my warped head my next thought is the possibility of me messing up the strength and guidance He gives me. The devil on my shoulder maybe winning this war tonight. Do I dare say that he's fighting harder than before? Freakin devil.....and everything that's not of Christ in that case.

I don't want to mess up what you provide Lord, but mostly I want to feel Your love and need Your Grace.

Then and only then I'll be okay.

Come All Ye Weary

Don't you think that if there's something that makes people want to change every single way in which they think, act, speak, react, love, and live there may be something to it? Nothing else on this earth has the power to do that to anyone, so maybe it's a power not provided by this earth.


The Lord fights for the oppressed, maybe we should too.

Ramble Jamble.

The tossing and turning
The moaning and groaning.
What makes you feel so settled in your disbelief?
What makes you feel complete?

You have no idea where you’re going or where you’ve been, yet you stay on the same winding path.
I tried to love but its been proven impossible.
Who’s made you feel so unlovable and unworthy?

I tried to show you worth, but you showed me dirt.
I cough, swallowed and continued to love.
You forced me out, and I wanted release.

I pray for you as you reach out to nothing.
Perhaps I’m being bold, but I’ve seen through you and your lies.
The lies you’ve believed about the world, and the lies you’ve believed about yourself.
The Truth will make you crumble, cry, and die.
Then you’ll become the one that is steady, and above all, loved.

He’s ready when you are, I won’t be there, but I hope with every ounce of my heart that you will be.

Marvelous Light

So here I sit. Midnight of the first day of 2009. I've felt such a itch to blog these last few days so mostly I'm blogging just to scratch that. I'm not sure of the content or purpose, so here's to me scratching.......

New Years this year has felt stupid. I think it's stupid that one day a year people think about how to improve their lives. People make decisions, some stick to them, some do not. But why on New Years? Why when the calendar year switches? Maybe it's freedom. Perhaps people feel like they're now given permission to stop, or change what they're doing, because the people around them are doing the same. There's release in knowing that even the clock is telling you to start over.

Weird thing though. We're lucky. We have that new start every time we open a bible, close our eyes, open our eyes, take a deep breath, or speak His name. We have it every minute of every day. In addition to having it whenever we want, we have the worlds' best workout, addiction, diet, physical, and emotional therapist to call on.

These last 3 months has been a constant over analysis of life, my life and the lives around me. Ironic that I happen to be coming home at the break of a new year, because that's what it feels like to me. I've reestablished my goals, and the passions behind them. I've been disappointed in myself and others. Being disappointed in others doesn't really help you in many specific ways, but finding disappointment in yourself, at the end of the day, is pretty sweet.

I know what I fail at, over and over, I fail.
I fail at being a responsible, worthy citizen, friend, student, tante', daughter, roommate, cousin, sister, follower of Christ, and any other category you can put me in. Believe me, when I say that, I've learned to believe it. Christ has given me the gift of good eyes. I can see others and myself a little bit clearer than I could without Him.

I want to blind my critiquing and judgmental sight. This is the hardest for me. I can't look at a person without analyzing and judging what are their truths, sincerity's, insincerity's and weaknesses are. There's this crazy righteousness that comes from being a human Christian. I say human Christian because as soon as we read Christ's words we learn it most certainly does not come from him. I posses that undeserved righteousness that spills into every conversation I have, and most times, it does not belong there.

I want to speak to someone without feeling like I'm talking at them, giving them unasked for advice or input. I have been given the gift of insight into others' lives and I want to use that the way Christ intends for me to. In every conversation regardless of what's on my selfish heart.

( I told you this was going to be a messy post, I could go on but I'll save the rest of my personal critiques for next post)

I still have unaswered questions that feel as if they're burning a hole into the side of my heart. I want to know if others I care for will experience the same redemption that I've been so graciously been given. I want to know what man will care for me as Christ has instructed him to. I want to succeed in illustrating the passions and skills that have been restored in me through my daily rebirths.

I need to go to bed. If you've made it to the end, God bless you, and I love you.

Happy New Year (minute/hour/second)!

You've just been given another minute, even more wait ahead of you, use them.

2 Corinthians 5:17
17Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

*I think maybe I was supposed to come here*

Rehab

I've learned that there's a horrible disconnect in what God has equipped us for and how we have decided to use those very gifts.

These two + months away have affected me more then I thought they had. When I went home for thanksgiving break I was bombarded by all the thoughts in my head. They had finally been given a backdrop to stand out against. It was hard.

Now I sit with a new perspective of what I wish for my life lived with/in Christ. I've had good conversations here. I've found myself having honest conversations with people much more frequently then in Az. Yes, perhaps it's me being more vulnerable, me having less to run off to. More time to just sit and talk to the newest customer at the Ruby Tuesday bar about God and the life we claim to lead in His name. But it's also a different vulnerability, openness that the "culture" here shares. It's relaxed and it's real to me. I showed up not knowing more than my 3 family members, and feel as if I could stay and do just fine.

That's the glory of the Lord. He is comfort. He has been my comfort. Whatever I'm going through, no matter where I am, if I'm learning more about Him, if I'm learning what He's trying to show me about myself, then its' worth it.

I want to come home to sincerity. I don't want to settle back into what life felt like before. I want to be challenged to execute the desires that have been revealed here. I've gained and I've lost. I've been disappointed in ways I didn't expect, by people I didn't expect, and more than I expected. But I type that sentence then confidently say, "That's okay." Life isn't about the disappointments, if it was then I would be consumed by them, and consumed by how to respond to them. I find that exhausting.

I've learned that I want to love those that no one else wants to love, but that sounds easy to me. On one hand, that's why I realized that God has given me the ability to do so, and I will, I will. But with that comes the humbling thought that if I can love the least, the dirty, the hurt, then why can't I love the ones right next to me? It's hard for me to love those who think that they are easy to love. Ha. Sorry that realization just made me chuckle cause its true. That's when it's hardest for me to love and sacrifice.

Above all I want to love with extremity. The love that Jesus shows(ed) is extreme and irrational. Why do we take that and let it just sit? Why doesn't it make us want to change the world the way He's changed our lives? Or at least freakin change(love) our neighborhood, heck, our street,......our home....our friends, the man sitting alone in a restaurant?

I could go on forever, but for the sake of actually wanting people to be able to read this without wanting to punch themselves in the face to stay awake, I'll end here.

Who's the hardest for you to love? Is it yourself? God? The man that doesn't speak the same language as you and makes you feel uncomfortable? Your family? The dirty guy on mill that has thrown his life away to drugs (or that's what you assume anyways)? Your best friend who doesn't initiate the text conversation enough?

Nothing makes me feel the way Christs' love makes me feel, whether its me giving it or getting it, it all feels the same...what a blessing.

What a God.

takethislife

Okay, so it got tough.

Last night was probably the hardest night since I've arrived here. I can't even tell you why. But I'll try.

I have my two worlds, my life here is expanding, I'm gaining new friendships which are growing and the opportunities to get to know people keep getting stronger and stronger. While on the other side, my Az life felt like it was diminishing. It's hard to keep in contact with legitimate conversation when I have have 2 children desperately seeking my attention every moment I'm with them, and when I'm not with them I'm at Ruby Tuesday's. When I'm not in either of those two situations I want to just sit still with music, reading, or I have work I need to get done. So it leaves me feeling like I'm constantly achieving nothing with those I love most.

Friendships here are getting good. Which is nice, but uneasy. Uneasy because it feels pointless to establish them, leaves me unsure of what the goal is. This fact pushes me away from strengthening them. But unfortunately I'm a social person so they are growing anyways. In the growth of new friendships I experience the world. And I experience the earths' raw view of me, sometimes not attractive. My bubble...I really need these moments of getting out of my comfort bubble even thought they're painful at times.

Home is moving without me. I find myself being anxious about my visit in a week. I'm not sure how I'll feel when I'm home, how sensitive my emotions will be towards my friends. I'm afraid of being selfish, afraid that I will feel a sense of entitlement of time and people. The fact that friendships have been forming and deteriorating for 2 months without me seeing may leave me off guard and surprised. Along with all that after a week I will be returning for 2 more months, and I have no idea how I'll feel when I walk back away from everyone and onto the plane.

Please don't misunderstand, this is what God does, this is what life does, it teaches, and I'm learning. I'm good, I truly am. But I feel to get what I'm supposed to out of this experience in my life I have to acknowledge the trials to figure out the victories.

Let me end with this, God is powerful. I love that in my moments of desperation I literally find myself on the ground in the darkness because at that moment I need to hear His peace. And I always do, it's ridiculous, but I always do. Prayers are being answered and I'm continually feeling convicted by His spirit to lead me into different thoughts, conversations, and decisions. I'm so grateful to have a God that knows what I need when I don't.

1 week...... :-D