Psalm 119:16

I've been here for 7 weeks and when I return from my visit home I will have 5 more left.

In a lot of ways I've been disappointed, but only in myself. I convinced myself that if I grew spiritually in great ways than it would all be worth it. But it would be hard to say that I have. I've grown spiritually in the same ways that I would have grown at home. The worldly experiences have shown me a lot about my spiritual life, so in some ways I have grown much differently because of being here.

I have been timid. I have sat in between a spot of wanting to make sure this feels LIKE home, but not allowing it to be my home. Its been a weird in between. I have shy'ed from friendships and relationships here for fear that they would not be adequate and make me miss the friendships at home. And I have also shy'ed from friendships of home for fear of not gaining from this experience of tranquility what I should be.

I've spent so much time trying to manipulate the time that I haven't allowed the time to manipulate me....I'm so afraid of getting homesick that I've controlled almost every environment I could. (which isn't many)

I did something social today...crazy huh? I went to church and lunch with a friend I met here and the conversation brought up some points that made me think. We talked about the dynamics of relationships and how we live in an age that is afraid to pick up the phone instead of sending a text. When we pick up the phone we put ourselves in a position to have awkward moments, irrational words, and unprepared answers. With a text message, facebook chat, and e-mail we get to plan it all out. We get to make sure our words are going out exactly how we want them to, and in a way that best beneifits us, no awkward moments, no tough and honest responses. (if we don't want to)

We also talked about the moment. Being in the moment of life but allowing ourselves to look back into the experiences we've had, some we would not like to look back into. He's a songwriter and does exactly that, looks back into the bad. This has been something I've struggled with. I don't want to be back in those moments/in those emotions. I want to hold on to the lessons but lose the emotion. Life is fast, and sometimes the snapshots may be the things that make it all worth it.

For the amount of love I have for Christ the amount of time I spend reading the greatest book He's given us is pitiful. Honestly utterly embarrassing. I would admit to very few people the statistics of my faith, because in my eyes it doesn't reflect my desires. It doesn't reflect how much I'm learning for walking behind Him as a follower. Also spurred from our lunch conversation is how much information is thrown at us. I have every answer I'd ever want available to me. I am constantly being taught by the internet, podcasts, church services, His Spirit and personal conversations with friends. This is a downfall in my heart that allows me to think that I'm learning what and how much I should be.

But I always have one little book sitting right next to me which is the last thing in that list from above that I turn to. That book is always within reach, I make sure of it. But it's pointless to have something within reach if you never reach for it...

Off to the Ruby Tuesday..I just had to kick Isaac out of my room so I could write this...Now I feel like a bad Tante' for ignoring him for 10 minutes. (Welcome to my life)


Psalm 119:16

Red, Right, and Blue

I'm so frustrated that I've written probably about 6 paragraphs and erased them all. This is what it comes down to; Are we loving with a love of Christ?

I can't see Christs' love anywhere. Not even in myself. I'm angry. I love a Christ that has been ruined by the mouths of His people. I love a Christ that people find so unlovable because of the hypocrites who worship Him. Those that I hope for the most may never admit to a emptiness they feel because our righteous Body has sat here waiting to tell them how wrong they are. We're all wrong. We're so very wrong. Shoot, we even have believers that will boast on their failures just to be able to rationalize and exploit this Grace that we're given. Not only boast in it, but LIVE in it., swim in it, worship in it. We're not to be Children who look for our faults so that that we can find acceptance in them. We're to be children who love their savior so deeply that it physically pains us to take one step away from our God.

But we're not. We're Christians who find a soap box to stand on as we look down at all those below us, because of course, everyone's below us...We find time for our latte dates and group events, but not for truly loving someone that we don't want to love, yet needs it. You think Christ wants to truly love us all the time? He does, it is His will, but does he WANT to? I wouldn't.

I am righteous, ignorant, boastful, judgmental, and proud. And the funny thing is I think I deserve this life I've been given. The funny thing is I don't know what it would look like to truly live a life in His will. I'm sick of Red and Blue. Both sides exist for merely remaining on their side so that they're far enough to throw something across in hopes of injuring the opposition, whether it in words, actions, or silence.

I am grateful for our new president. I am grateful that I trust that He is a man of faith who attempts to understand why we urn to stay divided. But I hate what this election has brought out in people, including myself. Who are we and why did he decide to send....us? Doesn't He know how bad we mess things up?

The ultimate teacher.

At points some may seem to think that I'm unhappy, or at least unsettled about my current situation. I mean, think about it, I allow myself to get ripped out of comfort and everything that makes me, me. I have little to no social interaction with anyone my own age. No social interaction with anyone that loves Jesus the way I do, and only moments when I'm alone and not constantly being demanded for attention or help. Usually in those moments I shower, do laundry, clean the house, watch a podcast (that I normally fall asleep to) or sleep. If I'm lucky I get in a phone conversation with someone that I most likely adore.

But it's funny how you seem to follow yourself everywhere you go. I knew I could enter into this experience and gain from it because of the silly little idea that Jesus also follows you wherever you go. That was the #1 strongest argument for me knowing that I would be okay outside of everything that brings me joy in life. People, ministry, family. (not in any specific order)

While being here I have gotten lonely, but felt reassured. I have been frustrated, but then relieved of all reasoning to feel frustrated. I have not second guessed once. I have learned that I am far less patient then I thought I was. I love the absolutely pure moments that surrounding yourself with "innocent" children can bring. These children at times are not so...innocent...and thats where I've learned that my patience doesn't run quite as long as I'd like.

I've learned that life is far less enjoyable when you're in a rush to get somewhere, or get something done. When afraid of being behind schedule you're forced to demand immediate responses from people and lose your sight for seeing incredible things that may happen. When you get sick of running on someone else's agenda, you begin to run on yours. And you cut yourself off from seeing what amazing gifts they have to show you.

I have felt the value of friendships, and the gift of love that I feel from and for my friends. Christ has allowed me to have a heart that is almost always thinking of my friends, wondering how they're doing, and praying that I have the right words to say if they're not. And if they are okay, finding the right words to say for them to know their worth to me. The actual execution of this hasn't happened every time its needed to because, I run on my own agenda. But it never ceases to amaze me how Christ continues to love me, which allows me to continue to love others. (even if its in my own heart most of the time, and not yet in their eyes) I suck for that.

I have learned that I want to learn. I want to learn about politicians and what people think will make this world, "a better place" if you will. I find myself thinking of new ways to pray and new ways to carryout the possibilities that Christ gives me as His follower.

I've learned that I have a lot to learn.

Question marks and exclamations.

So possibly here comes the point that I'm tested. The point that I figure out what I'm supposed to be gaining from experiences, old and new.

"A Christian worker has to learn how to be God’s man or woman of great worth and excellence in the midst of a multitude of meager and worthless things." From today's' entry of Utmost by Oswald Chambers. The writing ends with a simple sentence. "Let Him have His way"

What does that mean in my life? What do with the failures that I've created with not letting Him have His way? More importantly what do I do with the successes that have been created out of my awesome Savior because I didn't let Him have His way? Where does the line get drawn? I wonder if at one point the past is done with, or should I be allowing it to be teaching, growing, and shaping me. Do I remember hard lessons because I should still be learning from them, or do I close the door once I feel God has shown me what I need to see. But does he every stop showing you things? Is it my human nature to keep experiences and wounds open so that I can validate pain by continuously learning from it? Christ has granted me healing, perspective, and growth that is only of Him in my life, with many many different battles. I feel like He wants the door closed on those experiences. But will I still see what He needs me to while blocking my heart? What is His way in all of this?

When do we learn enough? How do we decide whether or not we're done learning? Are we ever? I'm sick of all the question marks in this blog. Here's where I'm at. I'll know He's done what he's needed to when I see His wisdom in me. At times I see it, for sure, then I slip, and it makes me question if I truly gained what I was supposed to from following Him. I'm not gonna close something, think that I have it under control then be blinded in the same ways. That's a disservice to him and what He's willing to provide me.

This entry doesn't have a closing paragraph yet....

Bigger and better

So I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how big God is. And how we cannot even comprehend the real answer to that statement. In my reading it speaks about God’s plans for us, a topic that I’ve been especially fond of the last few months. “God wants us to get where he wants us to be more then we want to get where God wants us to be” Quote from the book. It took me a few times reading it to comprehend it in its entirety. I find myself so concerned with messing up Gods plan, with making the wrong choices, not hearing His spirit correctly, doing my will and not His. In all my worrying I’ve just been proving to myself that by me thinking I’m in control, I’ve been doing that exact thing I’m afraid of, my will.

If we can figure out a way to rest in His enormity and power then His will would be done in our lives. A car drove past me today and it had the Jesus fish on it. I’ve seen this a million times but if made me laugh today. Is that really Jesus? I literally pictured a mini Jesus clinging on to the back of the car. I think that can be seen as the perfect example in our life. Lets say the car is our life…(stay with me here) and we throw a little flashy appealable Jesus on it for everyone to see. We want everyone to see Jesus, out of sincere intentions. We’re proud of our faith and who Jesus is. But is that what Jesus does for us? Does he tattoo our name on His skin to say, “Hey, look, I like this person.” No, He’s too busy being engulfed and overwhelmed with loving us that anything like that would just take His time away from His true passion, us. He doesn’t care about doing things to show other people how much He loves us, He’s too busy loving us. The Jesus Fish is an ornament. But what if in my fun little world we were sitting in and driving the Jesus fish, because that was our purpose. And the car (anything worldly) were things we’d stick onto the outside of Jesus. What if Jesus was the ABSOLUTE purpose we took every single individual step. Why isn’t it like that? Why are we living a life WITH Jesus and not a life FOR Jesus.

What if we TRUSTED that Jesus was big enough for us not to decide our own lives. What if we could confidently say I will be on this planet for my time for your purpose, not my own. Not to be successful, not to be liked, and not even for creating a family of our own. What if we trusted that He’ll give us those things if He wants us to have them, and we stopped trying to get them. What if I didn’t get done with college in 4 years. (obviously) What if I cared more about sincerely taking care of one person then keeping five other people, “pleased” with me. What if His will would be done in our lives, what if we truly wanted His will to be done in our lives, and gave up anything we wanted to have that happen.

It all goes back to how big do we thing God is? The book also says that a person is defined by what they think when they think about God. If you think He’s a small metal symbol on your car then what hand are you allowing Him to have in your life? What are you doing for Him and what is He doing for you? What are you allowing yourself to see about Him? What is He allowing you to see about Him, and who YOU are? I think God still works whenever and however He wants to in our lives. But shoot, if you’re can’t see that it’s your creator sculpting your life…its like having a blindfold and earplugs in while sitting in an Oscar winning film. Or any Will Smith movie for that matter. You miss everything, Every scene, even though you’re sitting in the theater. Now I see why people feel like they don’t have a purpose when they don’t believe in Christ. He’s the one who already decided our purpose, so if we can’t see ourselves through His eyes we don’t see anything, not even ourselves.

There will be much more to follow. This feels like the most obnoxious unorganized thing I’ve ever written. Welp, there goes my blogging for you.

Peace from the East (coast)

spin it round your head like a helicopter

So it's two weeks since my last post and 3 days since I arrived in North Carolina.

I can't ask for any better of kids. They are absolutely incredible. The 1 1/2yr old, Kyata (Key-yah-ta) acts as if she's 4. Completely self entertained when I want her to be. She helped me clean the walls this morning and actually helped....She repeats basically everything you say but puts it in correct grammatical order and tense. She says, "Tante Julie," I say what, she says, "Hi" or, "I love you." Has a sense of humor and falls asleep in my arms after I sing the ABC's and the barney song. (Of which she knows half the words to herself)

The 3, almost 4 year old, Isaac is the best older brother. We went to a library story time reading, (hello mom status) and when they went to pick instruments out of the bucket he grabbed one for himself then one for Kyata and brought it over to us. Without me asking. Later we went to the park. We played tennis for about 45 minutes and he hit the majority of balls I hit to him. Athlete fo sho. Kyata walked around, played with the net, and picked up leaves and brought them to me singing the "Clean up, clean up everybody everywhere" song. After tennis we went the playground and Isaac insisted that he help Kyata on the slide because its his job to; "Protect Kyata, Teach Kyata, and Love Kyata"

So all in all that part of being here is ridiculously easy. I clean up the house, do dishes, make meals, run errands, find things to do to entertain the kids, and go to sleep embarrassingly early.

I started reading "Into a snowy pit with a lion..." or whatever its called. I only got one chapter finished before I needed to sleep but its talking about how God's a resume builder. And the sins of omission and commission. Omission being that of not taking chances and not allowing God to teach you during the risks you take. I consider this a risk. I disappointed people making this decision but I'm okay with that. I'm gonna learn, grow, and provide support for this family that only a select few on this earth could. Going from having their dad with them 24 hours a day to not at all it's gonna take a toll on them, and already is. But not having to learn the name of a new nanny or daycare is something I'm happy to offer.

I know I write too much, I'm sorry. but thats my experience so far....it's nice being on the east coast. People are friendlier and there is more color. Which you know I'm all about....

Haven't gone into Ruby's yet. This weekend I suppose...its a little intimidating... Julie, intimidated...whaaat? Kyata's awake now....time for yogurt and apple juice. :-D

Miss you guys.

oh yeah, its getting COLD already!!!

You Alone

There have been two distinctly different reactions from others when it comes to my decision of leaving for 3 (4) months....

reaction #1
"Wow, thats a great opportunity, that's such an awesome thing you're able to do!"

and reaction #2
"well okay, if its something you really think you should do....(then some sort of guilt filled conversation about being able to drop everything so quickly)

I know that reaction #2 isn't said out of anything except pure care and concern for my heart and the person I am wanting to be. But honestly #2 doesn't seem logical to me sometimes.

I find more uneasiness and danger in not knowing if I'd be able to leave my comforts for a relatively short amount of time. What is this life given to us for? Is it given to fulfill commitments and agendas? Or is it to experience this world and the people that God has created? I've always been slightly confused when it comes to this laid out world that has been put out in front of us. The 9-5's and 5 days a weeks. The do what you're supposed to do and have a few sweet experiences on your days off mentality. I do believe in being a person who is of sound mind and spirit. Take care of things demand that respect. Be a trustworthy child of God. Be dependable, honest, and a hard worker because Christ demands a follower who is worthy of those titles. But crap, can't we experience His passions while doing all that?

I'm frustrated and this is what it boils down to. Who are we looking to please? Christ or His people? I'm scared to let down people, but I'm more afraid to let down Him. He has made me passionate. Am I called to lay those God given passions aside due to the duties I have been given by the people of this world? I don't believe so.

Maybe I have a disconnect. Maybe I go for the farthest out. Maybe comfortable is uncomfortable to me. Do I believe that God works in contentment and ritual? He can. Am I wise enough to see that yet? Maybe not. Don't let me confuse myself her...I'm not going so that God will finally start working in me. I'm going because I have an opportunity. An opportunity that I've decided to accept. An opportunity that I will look back on in 5, 10, 20, 40 years and be grateful that I went.

I'll be grateful that God created a vision for my life that goes beyond this circle that seems so perfect. God's eyes open the world to me, and I want to see what He sees. This is one small way I get to, not that I NEED to, but I get to.

This is my choice. Not God telling me its what He needs me to do. But it is my desire. A desire that He will use to mold, break, and teach me.