Rehab

I've learned that there's a horrible disconnect in what God has equipped us for and how we have decided to use those very gifts.

These two + months away have affected me more then I thought they had. When I went home for thanksgiving break I was bombarded by all the thoughts in my head. They had finally been given a backdrop to stand out against. It was hard.

Now I sit with a new perspective of what I wish for my life lived with/in Christ. I've had good conversations here. I've found myself having honest conversations with people much more frequently then in Az. Yes, perhaps it's me being more vulnerable, me having less to run off to. More time to just sit and talk to the newest customer at the Ruby Tuesday bar about God and the life we claim to lead in His name. But it's also a different vulnerability, openness that the "culture" here shares. It's relaxed and it's real to me. I showed up not knowing more than my 3 family members, and feel as if I could stay and do just fine.

That's the glory of the Lord. He is comfort. He has been my comfort. Whatever I'm going through, no matter where I am, if I'm learning more about Him, if I'm learning what He's trying to show me about myself, then its' worth it.

I want to come home to sincerity. I don't want to settle back into what life felt like before. I want to be challenged to execute the desires that have been revealed here. I've gained and I've lost. I've been disappointed in ways I didn't expect, by people I didn't expect, and more than I expected. But I type that sentence then confidently say, "That's okay." Life isn't about the disappointments, if it was then I would be consumed by them, and consumed by how to respond to them. I find that exhausting.

I've learned that I want to love those that no one else wants to love, but that sounds easy to me. On one hand, that's why I realized that God has given me the ability to do so, and I will, I will. But with that comes the humbling thought that if I can love the least, the dirty, the hurt, then why can't I love the ones right next to me? It's hard for me to love those who think that they are easy to love. Ha. Sorry that realization just made me chuckle cause its true. That's when it's hardest for me to love and sacrifice.

Above all I want to love with extremity. The love that Jesus shows(ed) is extreme and irrational. Why do we take that and let it just sit? Why doesn't it make us want to change the world the way He's changed our lives? Or at least freakin change(love) our neighborhood, heck, our street,......our home....our friends, the man sitting alone in a restaurant?

I could go on forever, but for the sake of actually wanting people to be able to read this without wanting to punch themselves in the face to stay awake, I'll end here.

Who's the hardest for you to love? Is it yourself? God? The man that doesn't speak the same language as you and makes you feel uncomfortable? Your family? The dirty guy on mill that has thrown his life away to drugs (or that's what you assume anyways)? Your best friend who doesn't initiate the text conversation enough?

Nothing makes me feel the way Christs' love makes me feel, whether its me giving it or getting it, it all feels the same...what a blessing.

What a God.

takethislife

Okay, so it got tough.

Last night was probably the hardest night since I've arrived here. I can't even tell you why. But I'll try.

I have my two worlds, my life here is expanding, I'm gaining new friendships which are growing and the opportunities to get to know people keep getting stronger and stronger. While on the other side, my Az life felt like it was diminishing. It's hard to keep in contact with legitimate conversation when I have have 2 children desperately seeking my attention every moment I'm with them, and when I'm not with them I'm at Ruby Tuesday's. When I'm not in either of those two situations I want to just sit still with music, reading, or I have work I need to get done. So it leaves me feeling like I'm constantly achieving nothing with those I love most.

Friendships here are getting good. Which is nice, but uneasy. Uneasy because it feels pointless to establish them, leaves me unsure of what the goal is. This fact pushes me away from strengthening them. But unfortunately I'm a social person so they are growing anyways. In the growth of new friendships I experience the world. And I experience the earths' raw view of me, sometimes not attractive. My bubble...I really need these moments of getting out of my comfort bubble even thought they're painful at times.

Home is moving without me. I find myself being anxious about my visit in a week. I'm not sure how I'll feel when I'm home, how sensitive my emotions will be towards my friends. I'm afraid of being selfish, afraid that I will feel a sense of entitlement of time and people. The fact that friendships have been forming and deteriorating for 2 months without me seeing may leave me off guard and surprised. Along with all that after a week I will be returning for 2 more months, and I have no idea how I'll feel when I walk back away from everyone and onto the plane.

Please don't misunderstand, this is what God does, this is what life does, it teaches, and I'm learning. I'm good, I truly am. But I feel to get what I'm supposed to out of this experience in my life I have to acknowledge the trials to figure out the victories.

Let me end with this, God is powerful. I love that in my moments of desperation I literally find myself on the ground in the darkness because at that moment I need to hear His peace. And I always do, it's ridiculous, but I always do. Prayers are being answered and I'm continually feeling convicted by His spirit to lead me into different thoughts, conversations, and decisions. I'm so grateful to have a God that knows what I need when I don't.

1 week...... :-D

Psalm 119:16

I've been here for 7 weeks and when I return from my visit home I will have 5 more left.

In a lot of ways I've been disappointed, but only in myself. I convinced myself that if I grew spiritually in great ways than it would all be worth it. But it would be hard to say that I have. I've grown spiritually in the same ways that I would have grown at home. The worldly experiences have shown me a lot about my spiritual life, so in some ways I have grown much differently because of being here.

I have been timid. I have sat in between a spot of wanting to make sure this feels LIKE home, but not allowing it to be my home. Its been a weird in between. I have shy'ed from friendships and relationships here for fear that they would not be adequate and make me miss the friendships at home. And I have also shy'ed from friendships of home for fear of not gaining from this experience of tranquility what I should be.

I've spent so much time trying to manipulate the time that I haven't allowed the time to manipulate me....I'm so afraid of getting homesick that I've controlled almost every environment I could. (which isn't many)

I did something social today...crazy huh? I went to church and lunch with a friend I met here and the conversation brought up some points that made me think. We talked about the dynamics of relationships and how we live in an age that is afraid to pick up the phone instead of sending a text. When we pick up the phone we put ourselves in a position to have awkward moments, irrational words, and unprepared answers. With a text message, facebook chat, and e-mail we get to plan it all out. We get to make sure our words are going out exactly how we want them to, and in a way that best beneifits us, no awkward moments, no tough and honest responses. (if we don't want to)

We also talked about the moment. Being in the moment of life but allowing ourselves to look back into the experiences we've had, some we would not like to look back into. He's a songwriter and does exactly that, looks back into the bad. This has been something I've struggled with. I don't want to be back in those moments/in those emotions. I want to hold on to the lessons but lose the emotion. Life is fast, and sometimes the snapshots may be the things that make it all worth it.

For the amount of love I have for Christ the amount of time I spend reading the greatest book He's given us is pitiful. Honestly utterly embarrassing. I would admit to very few people the statistics of my faith, because in my eyes it doesn't reflect my desires. It doesn't reflect how much I'm learning for walking behind Him as a follower. Also spurred from our lunch conversation is how much information is thrown at us. I have every answer I'd ever want available to me. I am constantly being taught by the internet, podcasts, church services, His Spirit and personal conversations with friends. This is a downfall in my heart that allows me to think that I'm learning what and how much I should be.

But I always have one little book sitting right next to me which is the last thing in that list from above that I turn to. That book is always within reach, I make sure of it. But it's pointless to have something within reach if you never reach for it...

Off to the Ruby Tuesday..I just had to kick Isaac out of my room so I could write this...Now I feel like a bad Tante' for ignoring him for 10 minutes. (Welcome to my life)


Psalm 119:16

Red, Right, and Blue

I'm so frustrated that I've written probably about 6 paragraphs and erased them all. This is what it comes down to; Are we loving with a love of Christ?

I can't see Christs' love anywhere. Not even in myself. I'm angry. I love a Christ that has been ruined by the mouths of His people. I love a Christ that people find so unlovable because of the hypocrites who worship Him. Those that I hope for the most may never admit to a emptiness they feel because our righteous Body has sat here waiting to tell them how wrong they are. We're all wrong. We're so very wrong. Shoot, we even have believers that will boast on their failures just to be able to rationalize and exploit this Grace that we're given. Not only boast in it, but LIVE in it., swim in it, worship in it. We're not to be Children who look for our faults so that that we can find acceptance in them. We're to be children who love their savior so deeply that it physically pains us to take one step away from our God.

But we're not. We're Christians who find a soap box to stand on as we look down at all those below us, because of course, everyone's below us...We find time for our latte dates and group events, but not for truly loving someone that we don't want to love, yet needs it. You think Christ wants to truly love us all the time? He does, it is His will, but does he WANT to? I wouldn't.

I am righteous, ignorant, boastful, judgmental, and proud. And the funny thing is I think I deserve this life I've been given. The funny thing is I don't know what it would look like to truly live a life in His will. I'm sick of Red and Blue. Both sides exist for merely remaining on their side so that they're far enough to throw something across in hopes of injuring the opposition, whether it in words, actions, or silence.

I am grateful for our new president. I am grateful that I trust that He is a man of faith who attempts to understand why we urn to stay divided. But I hate what this election has brought out in people, including myself. Who are we and why did he decide to send....us? Doesn't He know how bad we mess things up?

The ultimate teacher.

At points some may seem to think that I'm unhappy, or at least unsettled about my current situation. I mean, think about it, I allow myself to get ripped out of comfort and everything that makes me, me. I have little to no social interaction with anyone my own age. No social interaction with anyone that loves Jesus the way I do, and only moments when I'm alone and not constantly being demanded for attention or help. Usually in those moments I shower, do laundry, clean the house, watch a podcast (that I normally fall asleep to) or sleep. If I'm lucky I get in a phone conversation with someone that I most likely adore.

But it's funny how you seem to follow yourself everywhere you go. I knew I could enter into this experience and gain from it because of the silly little idea that Jesus also follows you wherever you go. That was the #1 strongest argument for me knowing that I would be okay outside of everything that brings me joy in life. People, ministry, family. (not in any specific order)

While being here I have gotten lonely, but felt reassured. I have been frustrated, but then relieved of all reasoning to feel frustrated. I have not second guessed once. I have learned that I am far less patient then I thought I was. I love the absolutely pure moments that surrounding yourself with "innocent" children can bring. These children at times are not so...innocent...and thats where I've learned that my patience doesn't run quite as long as I'd like.

I've learned that life is far less enjoyable when you're in a rush to get somewhere, or get something done. When afraid of being behind schedule you're forced to demand immediate responses from people and lose your sight for seeing incredible things that may happen. When you get sick of running on someone else's agenda, you begin to run on yours. And you cut yourself off from seeing what amazing gifts they have to show you.

I have felt the value of friendships, and the gift of love that I feel from and for my friends. Christ has allowed me to have a heart that is almost always thinking of my friends, wondering how they're doing, and praying that I have the right words to say if they're not. And if they are okay, finding the right words to say for them to know their worth to me. The actual execution of this hasn't happened every time its needed to because, I run on my own agenda. But it never ceases to amaze me how Christ continues to love me, which allows me to continue to love others. (even if its in my own heart most of the time, and not yet in their eyes) I suck for that.

I have learned that I want to learn. I want to learn about politicians and what people think will make this world, "a better place" if you will. I find myself thinking of new ways to pray and new ways to carryout the possibilities that Christ gives me as His follower.

I've learned that I have a lot to learn.

Question marks and exclamations.

So possibly here comes the point that I'm tested. The point that I figure out what I'm supposed to be gaining from experiences, old and new.

"A Christian worker has to learn how to be God’s man or woman of great worth and excellence in the midst of a multitude of meager and worthless things." From today's' entry of Utmost by Oswald Chambers. The writing ends with a simple sentence. "Let Him have His way"

What does that mean in my life? What do with the failures that I've created with not letting Him have His way? More importantly what do I do with the successes that have been created out of my awesome Savior because I didn't let Him have His way? Where does the line get drawn? I wonder if at one point the past is done with, or should I be allowing it to be teaching, growing, and shaping me. Do I remember hard lessons because I should still be learning from them, or do I close the door once I feel God has shown me what I need to see. But does he every stop showing you things? Is it my human nature to keep experiences and wounds open so that I can validate pain by continuously learning from it? Christ has granted me healing, perspective, and growth that is only of Him in my life, with many many different battles. I feel like He wants the door closed on those experiences. But will I still see what He needs me to while blocking my heart? What is His way in all of this?

When do we learn enough? How do we decide whether or not we're done learning? Are we ever? I'm sick of all the question marks in this blog. Here's where I'm at. I'll know He's done what he's needed to when I see His wisdom in me. At times I see it, for sure, then I slip, and it makes me question if I truly gained what I was supposed to from following Him. I'm not gonna close something, think that I have it under control then be blinded in the same ways. That's a disservice to him and what He's willing to provide me.

This entry doesn't have a closing paragraph yet....

Bigger and better

So I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how big God is. And how we cannot even comprehend the real answer to that statement. In my reading it speaks about God’s plans for us, a topic that I’ve been especially fond of the last few months. “God wants us to get where he wants us to be more then we want to get where God wants us to be” Quote from the book. It took me a few times reading it to comprehend it in its entirety. I find myself so concerned with messing up Gods plan, with making the wrong choices, not hearing His spirit correctly, doing my will and not His. In all my worrying I’ve just been proving to myself that by me thinking I’m in control, I’ve been doing that exact thing I’m afraid of, my will.

If we can figure out a way to rest in His enormity and power then His will would be done in our lives. A car drove past me today and it had the Jesus fish on it. I’ve seen this a million times but if made me laugh today. Is that really Jesus? I literally pictured a mini Jesus clinging on to the back of the car. I think that can be seen as the perfect example in our life. Lets say the car is our life…(stay with me here) and we throw a little flashy appealable Jesus on it for everyone to see. We want everyone to see Jesus, out of sincere intentions. We’re proud of our faith and who Jesus is. But is that what Jesus does for us? Does he tattoo our name on His skin to say, “Hey, look, I like this person.” No, He’s too busy being engulfed and overwhelmed with loving us that anything like that would just take His time away from His true passion, us. He doesn’t care about doing things to show other people how much He loves us, He’s too busy loving us. The Jesus Fish is an ornament. But what if in my fun little world we were sitting in and driving the Jesus fish, because that was our purpose. And the car (anything worldly) were things we’d stick onto the outside of Jesus. What if Jesus was the ABSOLUTE purpose we took every single individual step. Why isn’t it like that? Why are we living a life WITH Jesus and not a life FOR Jesus.

What if we TRUSTED that Jesus was big enough for us not to decide our own lives. What if we could confidently say I will be on this planet for my time for your purpose, not my own. Not to be successful, not to be liked, and not even for creating a family of our own. What if we trusted that He’ll give us those things if He wants us to have them, and we stopped trying to get them. What if I didn’t get done with college in 4 years. (obviously) What if I cared more about sincerely taking care of one person then keeping five other people, “pleased” with me. What if His will would be done in our lives, what if we truly wanted His will to be done in our lives, and gave up anything we wanted to have that happen.

It all goes back to how big do we thing God is? The book also says that a person is defined by what they think when they think about God. If you think He’s a small metal symbol on your car then what hand are you allowing Him to have in your life? What are you doing for Him and what is He doing for you? What are you allowing yourself to see about Him? What is He allowing you to see about Him, and who YOU are? I think God still works whenever and however He wants to in our lives. But shoot, if you’re can’t see that it’s your creator sculpting your life…its like having a blindfold and earplugs in while sitting in an Oscar winning film. Or any Will Smith movie for that matter. You miss everything, Every scene, even though you’re sitting in the theater. Now I see why people feel like they don’t have a purpose when they don’t believe in Christ. He’s the one who already decided our purpose, so if we can’t see ourselves through His eyes we don’t see anything, not even ourselves.

There will be much more to follow. This feels like the most obnoxious unorganized thing I’ve ever written. Welp, there goes my blogging for you.

Peace from the East (coast)